tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51417578446747455482024-03-13T06:21:48.141-04:00Facts OptionalAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15151835572248996551noreply@blogger.comBlogger170125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5141757844674745548.post-60181062060123783672017-06-14T13:01:00.001-04:002017-06-19T11:14:33.674-04:00This Does Not ComputeThe irony in today's subject is that it came to me while listening to streaming music through an app on my wi-fi connected smartphone, which was wirelessly transmitting the tunes to the Bluetooth speaker my friend Bert gave me for my last birthday.<br />
<br />
Being the cheapskate that I am, I make use of the free version of the music app. This means I must listen to commercials after nearly every song. The ads alternate between exhortations to upgrade to the "premium" version and enticements for other products. Just now I heard a pitch for a wi-fi enabled garage door opener: "If you drive away and leave your garage door open, it sends your phone an alert to close it!" Back when we lived in a house with an attached garage, I received such notifications via phone long before the advent of wi-fi -- whenever I headed to work and left the garage door open, my wife would leave a castigating voicemail on my office line letting me know I'd forgotten to close the door "again."<br />
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The concept of integrating computing devices into everyday objects and then having them communicate with you is known as the "Internet of Things." It's commonly abbreviated as "IoT" or, more colloquially, as "PitA." (If, like me, you are older than the internet, you know what "PitA" stands for.) It is almost impossible these days to purchase any kind of household appliance, or yard machinery, or sign up for pest removal service, and not have a phone app associated with it. Your dishwasher will text you when the pots and pans are clean and dry and ready to be put away. Your lawn mower will update you on how high the grass has gotten since its last clipping. Your exterminator (You have an exterminator? Sorry, but I'll pass on that dinner invitation.) will provide a link to a live webcam so you can see what kind of critters are darting around in the crawlspace under the house. You've likely heard about the latest refrigerators that scan the bar codes on your groceries and generate a shopping list when the milk's gone bad or you're out of Jerusalem artichokes. There are even models with cameras inside, so if your idea of hijinks is to make an unscheduled stop at Hannaford, you can connect with the fridge and confirm what is, or isn't, inside it at that moment. There's nothing like subjecting yourself to the hassle of searching for a too-narrow-to-open-the-car-door space in the supermarket parking lot, steering your buggy through the too-narrow-for-carts-to-pass-each-other width of the aisles inside, then purchasing a 35-pound bucket of cat litter instead of the gallon of 2% milk you promised to pick up on your way home.<br />
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You can remotely turn the lights on and off in your house (with special light bulb kits that'll set you back a mere $70); you can get a "smart" thermostat that learns when you like to make a room warmer (when you're in it) or cooler (when you're not; it takes cloud computing to figure this out?). And perhaps you've seen the commercials for devices such as the Amazon Echo or Google Home (and of course Apple's is coming soon) which, if you have any semblance of sanity remaining after going through the installation process to ensure compatibility with your router and enabled devices, respond accordingly when you bark out commands like, "I want pizza!" or, "Play some polka music!" or, "Goddam it, where's that pizza I told you to order thirty minutes ago?" You can ask the Echo, "Alexa - tell me a joke," to which "she" responds: "You paid $140 for me, imbecile. The joke's on you."<br />
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Here are some other state-of-the-art appliances poised to take their place along with the overpriced, clumsily-functioning, and soon-to-be-found-on-Craigslist devices already mentioned:<br />
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<ul>
<li>A wi-fi connected tabletop convection oven that recognizes 25 different kinds of food and cooks them automatically. *<b>I*</b> can't even recognize 25 different kinds of food. Do you still have to take the bacon out of the package to cook it? If so, then what's the point? This oven sells for $1500. Some of you may remember when banks used to give out toasters for free when you opened a checking account.</li>
<li>A fork that counts how many bites you take, and buzzes in your hand if you eat too quickly. My wife counts how many bites I take, and she buzzes in my ear if I eat too quickly.</li>
<li>A machine that "simplifies" home beer brewing, so it allegedly takes half the time and half the skill of the usual home brew set-up. While I don't home brew, I know many people who do and have great admiration for their dedication to crafting something that otherwise can only be found in every liquor, grocery, drug, and convenience store within a stone's throw. This device costs $800. Do you know how many six-packs I could buy for $800? Enough to get through two-thirds of the Labor Day weekend.</li>
<li>A nonstick pan that provides recipes and tells you when to flip whatever you're making. This device costs $129, and one of the recipes included is for a grilled cheese sandwich (really). I do <u>not</u> need $129 worth of technology to tell me how to make a grilled cheese. There's a fool-proof method to follow here: flip the sandwich over 10 seconds before you smell the pan side starting to burn.</li>
</ul>
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Now, please don't think I'm a Luddite (which, for years, I thought was a fan of the host of the old "Password" game show) -- while I may not be an early adopter, I have enjoyed the benefits of technological advances and internet-based services for quite a while. It's been more than a decade since we dropped our landline in favor of going smartphone-only. I pay nearly all my bills online, and step into a bank branch only when I am jonesing for a lollipop and don't have a haircut scheduled. And I mentioned that gift of a Bluetooth speaker, which I use to listen to my favorite artists from the 70s, the 80s, but mostly the 70s while cooking, cleaning, or spending time in the bathroom to shower, shave or shi... er, <i>sit </i>and read for a while.</div>
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But enough is enough. Our dentist recommended we start using a rechargeable electric toothbrush; fair enough, but the brand the practice encouraged us to purchase comes with Bluetooth connectivity, sharing the data with an app to keep track of how often and for how long we brush each day. Honest to God, if someone needs to utilize that level of technology to avoid cavities, then dentures are a foregone conclusion.</div>
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Plus, when I check my phone to see how I'm doing, I keep dropping it in the toilet.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15151835572248996551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5141757844674745548.post-83704312456050650542017-06-01T09:21:00.001-04:002017-06-01T09:21:27.288-04:00I'm Not Your Stepping StoneThe phone rang shortly after noon one day last week. The display indicated the call was from my beloved wife, Carol, no doubt stealing a few minutes from her lunch break to express her profound affection for me.<br />
<br />
"Hello, my dearest darling," I answered.<br />
<br />
The voice on the other end of the line said, "I'd like you to check out this rhubarb-centric website to watch an instructional video, make a list of the required materials, and pick them up this afternoon so I can get started on making some concrete stepping stones for the garden as soon as I get home from work."<br />
<br />
After a brief pause, I replied, "Who <i>is</i> this?"<br />
<br />
One of Carol's patients had brought her several big rhubarb plants. The patient told her that, in addition to using the stalks for strawberry-rhubarb pie, the leaves -- which are "yuge" -- could be used to make a decorative impression in concrete. Carol, being a very crafty person (meaning, in this context, "arts and crafts"), was immediately intrigued and, as is her nature, wanted to get started on the project without delay.<br />
<br />
I said sure, right after I finished what I was doing (which was dozing while watching <i>SportsCenter</i>, but I may have told her I was folding the laundry) I'd watch the video, compile the list, and -- if I <i>had</i> to -- spend a few hours wandering through the aisles of the hardware store. At this stage of my life, a trip to the hardware store brings almost as much titillation as a bachelor party's visit to a strip club.<br />
<br />
I Googled the website, quickly viewed the video, assembled the list, and hit the road. The top priority, as you might imagine, was to purchase a bag of concrete. My only prior experience with the material was from slipping on it while running around our community pool as a kid. Little did I know that there are, like, EIGHT different kinds of concrete. I tried to stream the video again on my phone to see if I could pinpoint which variety was used for this project, but inside the cavernous store I had no bars (unlike inside the cavernous strip club, which had three bars downstairs and two more in the VIP lounge), so I selected a package that looked vaguely familiar from my original viewing. I awkwardly muscled an 80-pound bag of concrete mix into my shopping cart. Shrugging off hernia symptoms, I then deadlifted a 50-pound bag of sand from the shelf. I think they call that move a "deadlift" because the effort nearly killed me.<br />
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After checkout, I managed to heave the load into the back of my car, launching a cloud of concrete and sand grit that covered every square inch of the upholstery. I lowered the windows and opened the sunroof, hoping to blow all the granules out on the drive home. The moment I merged onto the highway it started to rain, so I quickly closed up everything before the moisture had a chance to mingle with the concrete and form a rigid carapace around the seating in my Subaru.<br />
<br />
Once Carol came home from work and was ready to get underway, I wrestled the monstrous bags out of the car and into the wheelbarrow, stoically shedding only a few silent tears from the effort, and delivered everything to where she planned to tackle the creation of the decorative pieces. "OK -- I'm going to <strike>take a nap</strike> cut the grass," I announced. "Wait," she said. "Aren't you going to spread out the sand for me?" I wrangled the bulky bag of sand out of the wheelbarrow, sliced it open, and dumped it on top of her work table. "There you go. Have fun!" I headed toward the <strike>soft and inviting living room couch</strike> tool shed to retrieve the mower, getting only two steps away before Carol called to me again -- "What about the concrete?" "What about it?" I replied. She pleaded, "Can't you mix it up for me?" I let out a deep sigh while thinking to myself, "When did this become a collaborative project?" (I may have actually mumbled those words <i>sotto voce</i>, but I don't think Carol heard me.)<br />
<br />
Now, as I said before -- I had no experience working with concrete. My knowledge of how to prepare it was limited to that brief video. It <u>seemed</u> simple enough - stir together concrete and water, in measured amounts, in a deep bucket using a big stick until it reached the proper consistency. As the weighty bag kept slipping from my grip, I guesstimated the amount to pour into the mixing bucket. The good news -- aiming for 40 pounds, my bucket weighed in at 39.5. That was close enough for me; I added the recommended amount of water to the dry contents and commenced stirring. Too late, I realized I should have started with the water and gradually added the dry mix. That would have saved me thirty minutes and injuries to both wrists. It also would have resulted in far fewer profanities uttered during the process.<br />
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Carol came over to examine the finished slurry -- "Is it supposed to have rocks in it? The stuff in the video looked smooth, like cake batter." "Look," I steamed, "I bought the kind that looks like the bag in the video. I had no idea how many different kinds of concrete there are, or what their specific uses might be. If you want some other kind of concrete, then get in the car with me RIGHT NOW and we'll head back to the hardware store and you can pick out what you want." "No, I'll try it with what we've got here and if it doesn't work, then we'll try again another day."<br />
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I fervently hoped not to spend another minute, much less another day, on this project, but I nodded my assent. Dying for a towel to mop my sweaty brow and a cold <strike>beer</strike> drink of water, I headed toward the house. "Where are you going now? Aren't you going to make the stones with me?"<br />
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I'll cut to the end result: to our delight, the stones turned out just fine, whether or not we used the right kind of concrete or are still on speaking terms. The patterns are lovely and distinct; the contrast between the delicate imprint from the leaves and the solid mass of the concrete will make a striking addition to our garden.<br />
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I also learned a better way to deal with Carol's request for assistance with her next crafts project: there's no harm in letting her call go to voicemail and give myself a chance to come up with a concrete reason why I can't participate.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Picr8Xm91v8/WS80o99me4I/AAAAAAAADv8/X52z5jFLrL40W_IDIWaH1uVVMA3c7w0HACLcB/s1600/stepping-stones.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="297" data-original-width="762" height="155" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Picr8Xm91v8/WS80o99me4I/AAAAAAAADv8/X52z5jFLrL40W_IDIWaH1uVVMA3c7w0HACLcB/s400/stepping-stones.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photos and sweat equity courtesy of the author. Craft skill and ability courtesy of Carol.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15151835572248996551noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5141757844674745548.post-78725871106757205312017-05-26T08:38:00.000-04:002017-05-26T08:38:46.723-04:00Save time by ignoring these household hintsLook for the tabs on either side of a box of aluminum foil and press
them in -- they keep the roll anchored, so when you go to rip off a
sheet you don't pull the entire roll out of the box.<br />
<ul>
<li>If you
forget to press in those tabs and the entire roll comes out of the box,
drops off the counter and unfurls the length of the kitchen into the
dining room, you can choose to either waste the better part of a day
unsuccessfully trying to roll it back up, or just bring your misery to a
quick end by slicing your wrists on the serrated edge of the box.</li>
</ul>
<img alt="roll-of-foil" class=" wp-image-507 aligncenter" data-mce-src="https://johnbranning.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/roll-of-foil.jpg?w=224" data-wpmedia-src="https://johnbranning.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/roll-of-foil.jpg?w=680" height="200" src="https://johnbranning.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/roll-of-foil.jpg?w=224" width="133" /><br />
<br />
When making your own guacamole, place an avocado pit in the container to keep it colorful longer.<br />
<ul>
<li>It's
possible to stab yourself in the hand, nearly severing a finger, when
trying to remove the pit from an avocado with a very sharp paring knife.</li>
</ul>
<img alt="Scar" class=" wp-image-562 aligncenter" data-mce-src="https://johnbranning.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/scar3.png?w=404" data-wpmedia-src="https://johnbranning.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/scar3.png?w=632" height="149" src="https://johnbranning.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/scar3.png?w=404" width="200" /><br />
<br />
Store cottage cheese upside down in the original container. This forces air out and keeps it fresher.<br />
<ul>
<li>Make sure the top is securely reattached before turning the container upside down.</li>
</ul>
<img alt="cottage-cheese2" class=" size-full wp-image-569 aligncenter" data-mce-src="https://johnbranning.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/cottage-cheese2.png?w=286" data-wpmedia-src="https://johnbranning.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/cottage-cheese2.png?w=286" height="192" src="https://johnbranning.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/cottage-cheese2.png?w=286" width="200" /><br />
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You can use a pair of pantyhose as an emergency replacement for a broken fan belt in your vehicle.<br />
<ul>
<li>It was a complete coincidence I happened to be wearing a pair of my wife's pantyhose the day I utilized this tip.</li>
</ul>
<img alt="pantyhose" class=" size-full wp-image-473 aligncenter" data-mce-src="https://johnbranning.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/pantyhose.jpg?w=221" data-wpmedia-src="https://johnbranning.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/pantyhose.jpg?w=221" height="200" src="https://johnbranning.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/pantyhose.jpg?w=221" width="130" /><br />
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When
a light bulb breaks in the socket, slice a potato in half and use it to
grip the broken section. Twist gently to unscrew the damaged bulb.<br />
<ul>
<li>Do not use that same half a potato to then make homefries.</li>
</ul>
<img alt="potato-bulb" class=" size-full wp-image-526 aligncenter" data-mce-src="https://johnbranning.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/potato-bulb.jpg?w=225" data-wpmedia-src="https://johnbranning.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/potato-bulb.jpg?w=225" height="200" src="https://johnbranning.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/potato-bulb.jpg?w=225" width="200" /><br />
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If
you've spilled red wine on your clothing, remove the stain by
sprinkling with salt and then covering with club soda. Let it sit
overnight before laundering.<br />
<ul>
<li>Mix the remaining club soda with
scotch and ice and sip throughout the evening since your wife suggested
you lay off the wine for awhile.</li>
</ul>
<img alt="wine2" class=" wp-image-488 aligncenter" data-mce-src="https://johnbranning.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/wine2.jpg?w=442" data-wpmedia-src="https://johnbranning.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/wine2.jpg?w=680" height="112" src="https://johnbranning.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/wine2.jpg?w=442" width="200" /><br />
<br />
Boil orange peel and cloves to get rid of unpleasant smells in the kitchen.<br />
<ul>
<li>Fry some onions to get rid of the overwhelming smell of orange peel and cloves.</li>
</ul>
<img alt="onions" class=" wp-image-522 aligncenter" data-mce-src="https://johnbranning.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/onions.jpg?w=370" data-wpmedia-src="https://johnbranning.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/onions.jpg?w=680" height="134" src="https://johnbranning.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/onions.jpg?w=370" width="200" /><br />
<br />
Place a few drops of essential oil on the cardboard tube of a toilet paper roll to make your bathroom smell wonderful.<br />
<ul>
<li>As long as you don't let anyone actually use your bathroom.</li>
</ul>
<img alt="toilet" class=" size-full wp-image-502 aligncenter" data-mce-src="https://johnbranning.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/toilet.jpg?w=401" data-wpmedia-src="https://johnbranning.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/toilet.jpg?w=401" height="169" src="https://johnbranning.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/toilet.jpg?w=401" width="200" /><br />
<br />
There are at least <span data-mce-style="text-decoration: underline;" style="text-decoration: underline;">five</span> different ways to pit cherries!<br />
<ul>
<li>Which is why I stick with applesauce, right out of the jar.</li>
</ul>
<img alt="applesauce" class=" wp-image-519 aligncenter" data-mce-src="https://johnbranning.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/applesauce.jpg?w=368" data-wpmedia-src="https://johnbranning.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/applesauce.jpg?w=604" height="112" src="https://johnbranning.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/applesauce.jpg?w=368" width="200" /><br />
<br />
Clean your barbecue grill with a wad of aluminum foil.<br />
<ul>
<li>Which
is all you can do with it once you forget to push in those tabs and the
roll escapes its cardboard confines, refusing all attempts at
reintroduction into polite society.</li>
</ul>
<img alt="foil" class=" size-full wp-image-500 aligncenter" data-mce-src="https://johnbranning.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/foil.jpg?w=224" data-wpmedia-src="https://johnbranning.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/foil.jpg?w=224" height="200" src="https://johnbranning.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/foil.jpg?w=224" width="200" /><br />
<br />
Be sure to <del>avoid</del> look for the next article in this series, with answers to common cooking conundrums such as:<br />
<ul>
<li>When a recipe calls for canola oil, can I substitute 10W30?</li>
<li>What
the hell is "Cream of Tartar"? And why does it come in such a big
container when all I ever need for anything is 1/8th of a teaspoon?</li>
<li>What
other uses are there for sour milk, other than pouring it on my
husband's cereal the morning after he's spilled red wine all over the
place?</li>
</ul>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15151835572248996551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5141757844674745548.post-78331677291535354772017-05-24T10:11:00.000-04:002017-05-24T10:11:25.622-04:00Coil and Water<div style="color: #141412; margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I am sitting at the table on our back deck, gazing at the lake and my surroundings on an absolutely glorious day. The sky is blue with billowy clouds. The water is undulating gently, stirred only by a slight breeze and the occasional surfacing of bass, trout and pickerel.</span></div>
<div style="color: #141412; margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We have a tall post in the yard, from which we hang an assortment of feeders in order to attract a variety of birds. Just this morning, while contentedly sipping my coffee, I've seen orioles, sparrows, blue jays, woodpeckers (including a juvenile pileated), goldfinches, nuthatches and, of course, chickadees.</span></div>
<div style="color: #141412; margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Hey, what's that zig-zagging across the surface of the lake? Whoa, it's a snake! I can't really make out its size or what kind of snake it is.</span></div>
<div style="color: #141412; margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Now there are swallows sailing around, snatching insects from the air with amazing speed and precision. One of them is diving toward the water -- uh oh, LOOK OUT for that snake!</span></div>
<div style="color: #141412; margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Hmm... now I don't see the swimming snake. I wonder if it's decided to slither amongst the rocks stacked along the shoreline.</span></div>
<div style="color: #141412; margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">There goes an eagle soaring past, headed toward the island in the middle of the lake. I never fail to be amazed when I see an eagle; they're just so JESUS CHRIST! the snake is now in the yard...</span></div>
<div style="color: #141412; margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">"Calm down," I tell myself. There are no poisonous snakes found in the state of Maine, I have been assured. Of course, just because a snake isn't poisonous -- does that mean it won't bite you? Or do non-venomous snakes also have teeth? Wouldn't it still hurt like a son of a bitch if a regular snake bit you?</span></div>
<div style="color: #141412; margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">OK... I don't see the snake anymore; it must've gone back into the water. I can hear the distinctive cry of an osprey; let me step down from the deck and see if I can spot him overhead. Maybe he's returning to his nest in the woods, next to FUCKING HELL! THE GODDAM SNAKE IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FEET!! I ALMOST STEPPED ON HIM!!!</span></div>
<div style="color: #141412; margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Back on the deck, there is a hummingbird buzzing around the hanging flower pots, darting from one bright nectar-laden bloom to the next. I hope I don't scare it away since I'm now crouched atop the table, coffee spreading from the mug I knocked over when I jumped up. How can anyone be so sure there are *no* poisonous snakes in Maine? What if someone had a rattlesnake as a pet and it got loose and bred in the wild? I recall that rhyme I learned in Cub Scouts: "Red to black, venom lack; red to yellow, kill a fellow." What am I supposed to do -- wait until this motherfucking snake bites me in the leg, and then, before he slithers away, snap a picture of him with my phone to show the EMTs so they know which kind of anti-venom to administer once they find me collapsed in the driveway with my airway swelling shut?</span></div>
<div style="color: #141412; margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Look out, gentle mourning dove! There's a murderous snake hiding in the grass; don't come down to the ground to nibble on any of the seed that's spilled out of the feeders or else he'll dart up and crush your cute little head in the vise-like grip of his deadly jaws. Then he'll swallow you whole, I just know it.</span></div>
<div style="color: #141412; margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I wish I had my long-handled metal rake handy, or a machete. Or maybe the chainsaw. I must remember to bring some yard tools along for protection the next time I go outside. If I ever go outside again.</span></div>
<div style="color: #141412; margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I want to dash back into the house but am afraid to come down from the table, because what if the snake is lurking underneath? I think I can leap inside directly from my perch through the open door... oh, SHIT! The sliding screen is blocking my way. Ah, what the hell -- I can always replace it. Here I go...</span></div>
<div style="color: #141412; margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Christ almighty... that screen is much tougher to barrel through than I thought it would be. Instead of giving way, it rebounds me ass over teakettle and now I'm flat on my back on the deck. I may also have a concussion. Let me lay here for a moment and try to clear my head. I don't think I'm bleeding anywhere, but boy does my OH DEAR GOD THERE'S THE SNAKE COILED UNDER THE TABLE RIGHT NEXT TO MY FACE!!!</span></div>
<div style="color: #141412; margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Alright... now I'm back inside, with the deck door closed and locked behind me. As soon as I calm down a bit and change my underwear, I'll call to have a new patio screen installed. And then put the house on the market. This place is for the birds.</span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8zo8nYZ1wp8/WSSwSnZMz4I/AAAAAAAADto/MQwvB-EcuAolYeBmbL28aCl1AmCBurkwgCLcB/s1600/Lake-view.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8zo8nYZ1wp8/WSSwSnZMz4I/AAAAAAAADto/MQwvB-EcuAolYeBmbL28aCl1AmCBurkwgCLcB/s400/Lake-view.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Clouds, island, lake and feeder post, as seen from the deck. Snake lurking just out of frame, most likely.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15151835572248996551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5141757844674745548.post-42978305943896732412017-05-16T18:23:00.001-04:002017-06-01T17:12:02.737-04:00McMaster of Denial<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Statement from national security advisor <span data-mce-style="text-decoration: line-through;" style="text-decoration-line: line-through;"><strike>H.P. Lovecraft</strike></span> H.R. McMaster, in response to allegations that President Trump shared classified intelligence with the Russians during a meeting in the Oval Office:</span></div>
<ul style="color: #333333;">
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;">"The story that came out tonight, as reported, is false… At no time -- at no time -- were intelligence sources or methods discussed. And the president did not disclose any military operations that were not already publicly known… I was in the room. It didn't happen."</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><img alt="" class="alignnone size-medium wp-image-90737" data-mce-src="http://humoroutcasts.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/donald-trump-247x300.jpg" src="http://humoroutcasts.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/donald-trump-247x300.jpg" height="300" style="height: auto; max-width: 100%;" width="247" /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Statement from sports agent <span data-mce-style="text-decoration: line-through;" style="text-decoration-line: line-through;"><strike>Y.A. Tittle</strike></span> H.R. McMaster, in response to allegations that Alex Rodriguez tested positive for banned substances:</span></div>
<ul style="color: #333333;">
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;">“The story that came out tonight, as reported, is false… At no time -- at no time – were prescription pads found in Alex’s Miami complex, or was Mr. Rodriguez in the company of anyone who knew how to spell ‘testosterone.’ And he did not use a Ziploc baggie filled with urine and strapped to his leg in order to pass a random drug test. I was in the bathroom with him. It didn’t happen.”</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><img alt="" class="alignnone size-medium wp-image-90738" data-mce-src="http://humoroutcasts.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/rodriguez-300x142.png" src="http://humoroutcasts.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/rodriguez-300x142.png" height="142" style="height: auto; max-width: 100%;" width="300" /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Statement from talent agent <span data-mce-style="text-decoration: line-through;" style="text-decoration-line: line-through;"><strike>k.d. lang</strike></span> H.R. McMaster, in response to allegations that singer Mariah Carey was lip-syncing during her botched New Year’s Eve performance in Times Square on live television:</span></div>
<ul style="color: #333333;">
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;">"The story that came out tonight, as reported, is false… At no time -- at no time – were auto-tuning or faulty sound mixes discussed. And Mariah did not expose any cleavage that had not been previously publicly displayed … I was on the stage as one of her backup dancers. It didn’t happen.”</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><img alt="" class="alignnone size-medium wp-image-90739" data-mce-src="http://humoroutcasts.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/mariah-300x224.jpg" src="http://humoroutcasts.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/mariah-300x224.jpg" height="224" style="height: auto; max-width: 100%;" width="300" /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Statement from aide-de-camp <span data-mce-style="text-decoration: line-through;" style="text-decoration-line: line-through;"><strike>J.D. Salinger</strike></span> H.R. McMaster, in response to allegations that President Bill Clinton had sexual relations with a White House intern:</span></div>
<ul style="color: #333333;">
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;">“The story that came out tonight, as reported, is false… At no time -- at no time – were Altoids or cigars discussed. And the president did not disclose any characteristics regarding the shape of his penis that were not already publicly known... I was in the hallway with the two of them. It didn’t happen."</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><img alt="" class="alignnone size-medium wp-image-90740" data-mce-src="http://humoroutcasts.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/altoid-300x165.png" src="http://humoroutcasts.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/altoid-300x165.png" height="165" style="height: auto; max-width: 100%;" width="300" /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Statement from literary agent <span data-mce-style="text-decoration: line-through;" style="text-decoration-line: line-through;"><strike>J.K. Rowling</strike></span> H.R. McMaster, in response to allegations that several plays attributed to William Shakespeare were actually written by either Sir Francis Bacon or Christopher Marlowe:</span></div>
<ul style="color: #333333;">
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;">“The story that cameth out tonight, as reported, lacked veracity… At no time -- at no time – were there any discussions regarding ghostwriting or future considerations regarding sharing a screenplay credit. And Mr. Shakespeare did not disclose any dramatic developments regarding seduction, murder, poisoning, illegitimacy, disguise, revenge, suicide, mistaken identity or shipwrecks that were not already publicly known… I was standing behind the arras, eavesdropping. Verily, it did not befall."</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><img alt="" class="alignnone size-medium wp-image-90741" data-mce-src="http://humoroutcasts.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/shakespeare-234x300.jpg" src="http://humoroutcasts.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/shakespeare-234x300.jpg" height="300" style="height: auto; max-width: 100%;" width="234" /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Statement from archaeologist <span data-mce-style="text-decoration: line-through;" style="text-decoration-line: line-through;"><strike>A. A. Milne</strike></span> H.R. McMaster, in response to allegations that the skull of the so-called “Piltdown Man,” originally offered as evidence of the “missing link” in the theory of evolution, was actually that of an orangutan:</span></div>
<ul style="color: #333333;">
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;">“The story that came out tonight, as reported, is false… At no time -- at no time – were methods for staining bones or filing down teeth discussed. And the finders did not disclose the results of any fluorine tests that were not already publicly known… I was buried in the gravel beds next to the skeleton for hundreds of thousands of years. It didn’t happen."</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><img alt="" class="alignnone size-thumbnail wp-image-90748" data-mce-src="http://humoroutcasts.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/skull-1-150x150.png" src="http://humoroutcasts.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/skull-1-150x150.png" height="150" style="height: auto; max-width: 100%;" width="150" /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Statement from veterinarian <span data-mce-style="text-decoration: line-through;" style="text-decoration-line: line-through;"><strike>T.J. Hooker</strike></span> H.R. McMaster, in response to allegations that the horse known as “Clever Hans” could not actually perform arithmetic:</span></div>
<ul style="color: #333333;">
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;">“The story that came out tonight, as reported, is false… At no time -- at no time – were intelligence sources or methods discussed. And the horse did not disclose any mathematical operations that were not already publicly known… I once worked for a real horse’s ass who couldn’t accurately count the size of his own inauguration crowd. <u>That</u> actually happened."</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><img alt="" class="alignnone size-large wp-image-90743" data-mce-src="http://humoroutcasts.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/crowd-600x194.png" src="http://humoroutcasts.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/crowd-600x194.png" height="186" style="height: auto; max-width: 100%;" width="576" /></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15151835572248996551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5141757844674745548.post-78310808458974740882017-05-10T15:20:00.002-04:002017-05-10T15:27:04.520-04:00No Rhyme or Reason (well, it rhymes a little bit)<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Comey was fired; it came as a shock.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Right in the midst of an FBI probe.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Now the department will be run ad hoc</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Until Donald J, wandering in his bathrobe,</div>
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Decides who its next fearless leader should be.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
But once he gave ol’ Jimmy Comey the can</div>
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The President said that we all soon would thank him.</div>
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And while the courts pick apart his Muslim ban</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
He lets the whole world know that no one outranks him.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Just like Sally Yates -- didn’t need her, you see.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
The President’s staff said ‘twas all about Clinton,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
How Comey said there were no grounds to indict.</div>
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Which contradicts at what the Donald was hintin’</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
When he, in his letter, brought Russia to light.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Three times, so he claims, he was told he was clean.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
The Democrats cry out together, as one,</div>
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This firing echoes an evil Nixonian.</div>
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The GOP doesn’t see storm clouds, but sun</div>
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Although there’s a handful that call it draconian.</div>
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More hearings in Congress will surely convene.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
What are we to make of this Tuesday Night Massacre?</div>
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How will this impact the Federal Bureau?</div>
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Is that Kellyanne on the tube? We can ask her.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
While others require explanations more thorough.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
There’s no lessons learned when there’s no one to teach.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Just months ago, Trump shook his hand and then praised him.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
“He’s become more famous than me!” he was quoted.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
But don’t let him think you are one who betrays him;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
If seeking the truth, then you’re quickly demoted.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
How soon do you think there’s a vote to impeach?</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15151835572248996551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5141757844674745548.post-35810782065355939132017-05-09T12:29:00.004-04:002017-05-09T12:36:25.148-04:00Scalene the Heights, or Discussing Concurrent Events<div dir="ltr">
I recently flew to Raleigh, NC to visit with my life-long best friend, Bert. We've known each other since our junior high days, and even though it's been decades since we've lived anywhere near each other, we still manage to get together a few times each year. With all the recent fracases (fricassées?) involving airline employees and passengers, I boarded my flight with trepidation. There nearly was a moment of crisis during the first leg of my journey, when I was prepared to challenge an attendant over the fact that my snack packet contained a mere eight peanuts, one of which was rotten -- but I thought better of instigating that confrontation, deciding instead to redirect my vexation toward something positive by attempting to extricate every molecule of the minuscule amount of Diet Coke indifferently dribbled into my plastic cup full of ice.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-r5ODV-rPe_o/WQ5yDLqOQcI/AAAAAAAADrI/fwgi6ruI3eAPaPQabbFmqrhuyRdWqY20ACLcB/s1600/peanuts.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-r5ODV-rPe_o/WQ5yDLqOQcI/AAAAAAAADrI/fwgi6ruI3eAPaPQabbFmqrhuyRdWqY20ACLcB/s1600/peanuts.png" /></a></div>
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This most recent visit was the first time since <a href="http://www.factsoptional.com/2013/09/marriage-wows.html">Bert started to date, and then go on to marry, his wife Marsha</a> that just "the boys" spent a few days together. Marsha was visiting with family out of state, so since flights were cheaper mid-week, and Bert and I both enjoy the flexible schedules that come along with retirement, I took advantage of the lower fare while Carol, who is still working, diligently earned the income necessary to subsidize my ticket.</div>
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Bert and I did what we normally do together: play tennis, jaw about politics and world events, grill a few steaks, and drink some beer. I must say -- during this visit we drank a LOT of beer. Raleigh is home to a number of craft breweries and beer-centric venues; we stopped in a number of them. But don't be alarmed -- we did not drink and drive. Well, we did not drive <i>very far</i>.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wRQ0Uw-a6hM/WRHn_frPcHI/AAAAAAAADsM/1x8IiqYZQacpJFoET9D_KN2ogdz8WjnxACLcB/s1600/Brew.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wRQ0Uw-a6hM/WRHn_frPcHI/AAAAAAAADsM/1x8IiqYZQacpJFoET9D_KN2ogdz8WjnxACLcB/s320/Brew.PNG" width="253" /></a></div>
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Over a couple of pints at one spot, we reminisced about the one math class we were in together, 9th-grade Geometry with Mr. Schaefer. Mr. Schaefer was an excellent teacher; very matter of fact, expert in the subject, presenting the fundamental concepts and formulas with clarity and precision. Yet, during our first grading period, we noticed he was not infallible; on occasion he'd stop mid-presentation to say, "I'm sorry, I made a mistake." He'd correct it and move on. We, however, decided to keep score, penciling tic marks inside the front cover of our textbooks each time our teacher misspoke. As the months went by, tracking of the erroneous statements piled up in neat groups of fives, and it became a race to see if Mr. Schaefer would reach the century mark before the end of the academic year.</div>
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By early May the count had reached ninety-five, so Bert and I focused less on special quadrilaterals and more on ensuring we were prepared to strike when and if the milestone occurred. Finally, with only a week remaining before the end of school, Mr. Schaefer stumbled for that hundredth time. Bert and I exchanged knowing glances but, since Mr. Schaefer seemed to be in an uncharacteristically foul mood that day, we wordlessly decided to hold off making our recognition public right then. A few days later, restored to his usual level of calm, he tripped up again and offered his usual apology. This time we were ready to spring into action. He'd made the most recent error while at the chalkboard, with his back to the class, so I interrupted him -- "Excuse me, Mr. Schaefer?" He turned around from the linear equation he was graphing and scanned the class for the source of the questioning voice. Bert and I rose from our desks and strolled confidently to the front of the room. I announced, "The two of us have been keeping count during class, and we would like to recognize you on the occasion of the one-hundredth mistake you made this year." Bert added, "Here is a certificate we commissioned to document this historic occasion." He presented Mr. Schaefer with something we'd lettered on a piece of blank paper, with a ribbon affixed to it; we each grabbed his free hand to shake it; we returned to our seats.<br />
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Mr. Schaefer stood speechless for some time, shaking his head, glancing again at the certificate, then squinting toward the two perpetrators. Eventually, he managed to stammer, "Thank you... I think," before placing the award on his desk and returning to the formula he was showing us how to solve. Shortly thereafter the bell rang, and we filed out of class.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-IUGaBfxxCe4/WQ5tWMMUoWI/AAAAAAAADq4/FMmJj08kxeA31Wr5qnu3dZb3Ia3KlxlIQCPcB/s1600/equation.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-IUGaBfxxCe4/WQ5tWMMUoWI/AAAAAAAADq4/FMmJj08kxeA31Wr5qnu3dZb3Ia3KlxlIQCPcB/s1600/equation.png" /></a></div>
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I don't believe anyone other than Bert and myself found what we'd done amusing or entertaining in the least -- none of our classmates, and certainly not Mr. Schaefer. But that didn't matter; WE thought it was hilarious. We'd spent the better part of a year focused on a mission requiring attention to detail and meticulous planning -- even a modicum of math, via the tic marks -- all of which served to reinforce our standing as friends. Even as the transitions to high school, then college, then careers and relationships have taken us in different directions, we've always maintained that closeness -- for over forty years at this point.</div>
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We're quite a contrast of opposites. Bert is tall and slender; I'm short and stocky. He's mechanically inclined and can repair or rebuild nearly anything; I'm intimidated by power tools and take at least two tries to successfully change the dead batteries in a flashlight. His groundstrokes are elegant; I'm all about the big serve. And yet we have this connection -- stronger, I think, than between many brothers. I'm sure it's no coincidence we're both only children. (By that, I mean neither of us has any siblings, not that we're emotionally immature -- at least, Bert isn't.)<br />
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Bert made excellent use of his facility with mathematics, becoming a successful, well-regarded civil/structural engineer. I used <u>my</u> math skills to calculate what I was sacrificing by leaving several jobs before becoming fully vested in their retirement plans, eventually landing at a company where I was rapidly promoted, becoming progressively less effective in each new role, and finally securing a position in middle management where I reached my level of incompetence before being laid off.</div>
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That's all behind us now. More tennis, more steaks, and more beer await. I believe we learned a formula in that long-ago class that would permit me to graph the changes in velocity of my devastating serve as it explodes from my racquet, caroms off the deuce court, and bounces just beyond Bert's flailing reach. But all I really remember from Geometry is that damn certificate.<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15151835572248996551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5141757844674745548.post-5592653692223603072017-04-20T10:46:00.002-04:002017-04-21T10:55:51.929-04:00What's next for poor Bill O'Reilly? Here are some suggestions.By now you've heard that Bill O'Reilly is out at Fox News. Allegations of sexual harassment, which O'Reilly denies but, in response to, it's reported he agreed to payments totaling $13 million to settle, and compounded by a reduction in sponsorship for his eponymous program, led to his dismissal. One day you're all comfy at work, then all of a sudden the next you're being ushered out the door with a box under your arm while trying to understand how long you're eligible for COBRA coverage.<br />
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Here's the quote: “'After a thorough and careful review of the allegations, the company and Bill O’Reilly have agreed that Bill O’Reilly will not be returning to the Fox News Channel,' 21st Century Fox, the parent company of Fox News, said in a statement."<br />
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Why did folks ridicule Mitt Romney so relentlessly when he said, back in 2011, "Corporations are people."? Obviously they must be if 21st Century Fox can be someone's parent. In fact, I recently received an invitation to Fox News's bar mitzvah. Such a <i>punim</i> on that <i class="">bubbeleh</i>!<br />
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But back to O'Reilly -- where can an alleged serial sexual harasser find employment these days? Keep in mind, he'll be armed with a personal reference from none other than our esteemed POTUS, as offered during a recent interview with the failing New York Times. Trump called O'Reilly "a good person," and went on thusly:<br />
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<li>“'Personally, I think he shouldn’t have settled,' Mr. Trump told Times reporters in a wide-ranging interview. 'Because you should have taken it all the way; I don’t think Bill did anything wrong.'"</li>
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Isn't that what got O'Reilly in trouble in the first place? Not thinking he was doing anything wrong while hoping to take it all the way with these women?</div>
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Of course, the irony of Donald Trump's involvement with this issue has not gone unnoticed. As you may recall, Trump was involved in a serious kerfuffle during his campaign when he was heard, on a leaked audiotape, making inappropriate comments about Tic-Tacs. The Trump clan seems obsessed with sugary treats; son Donald Trump Jr. created a fracas of his own involving potentially poisonous Skittles. Even now -- Trump's recounting of when he told China's president about the launch of 59 Tomahawk missiles aimed at <strike>Iraq</strike> Syria took second billing to his description of "the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake" the two of them devoured. Not clear in this report was whether the two leaders split the massive dessert. If so, did they each have their own utensils, or did Trump just offer a bite from his fork while saying, "Here, Xi -- you've <u>got</u> to taste this!"<br />
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I wonder if Trump's support for the beleaguered commentator will lead to offering O'Reilly a position in the current administration? News reports indicate there are still hundreds, if not thousands, of unfilled government positions; surely there's got to be <u>something</u> here for Bill. A review of the so-called "Plum Book" indicates the following opportunities for which he may be qualified:</div>
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<li><b>Administrator, NASA:</b> He could prevent any of the women he's previously settled with from breaking confidentiality agreements and further tarnishing his already-damaged reputation by sending them into deep space.</li>
<li><b>Chairman, Board of Governors, USPS: </b>Another good fit, since the USPS is as antiquated in today's society as O'Reilly's misogyny.</li>
<li><b>Administrator, General Services Administration:</b> He has a long history of requests for a variety of services.</li>
<li><b>Under Secretary for NOAA:</b> O'Reilly's current position regarding climate change is unclear, but it appears one of his favorite positions may be under a secretary. </li>
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Of course, it's possible <u>none</u> of these opportunities may pan out. Fortunately, the COBRA continuation period is at least 18 months. That should give O'Reilly plenty of time to update his CV and come up with a solid, no-spin response to the inevitable question, "Why did you leave your last job?"</div>
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15151835572248996551noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5141757844674745548.post-39918021458046789782017-04-05T14:56:00.001-04:002017-04-05T14:56:59.794-04:00Here's everything I know about wine in five minutes or (much) lessI recently retired, and am making good use of the free time I've gained by ignoring the long list of home improvement projects I promised to undertake and instead deciding to become a wine expert. Or, to use the correct term, an <b>oenophile</b>. Let me share what I've learned so far.<br />
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The first thing I've learned is the proper pronunciation of that term is "EE-no-file" and not, as I have long thought, "oh-NOFF-phil-lee." But I don't want to cloak myself in a mantle of pretentiousness right off the bat, so I'll refer to myself and others who share my <strike>elitist</strike> in-depth interest as "winers."<br />
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Step One in my journey was to work on developing my pallet. In order to accomplish this, I drove over to the local lumber yard where a very helpful lumberphile clarified I likely meant <i>palate</i>. I thanked him for his assistance, got back in the car and headed for the nearest department store, where I was certain I would find a palate in the Housewares department, next to the silverware.<br />
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There is a great deal of ceremony that accompanies the <strike>pretention</strike> presentation of a fine wine, starting with uncorking the bottle. Does the bottle have a cork, and is that cork natural or synthetic? The use of natural corks can lead to a condition called "cork taint," which means if the bottle is so afflicted then you tain't gonna serve that wine to nobody. However, these days more and more higher-end vintages are utilizing screw caps. Someone should design a cap making it easier for those with arthritis to open a bottle, like what you find on prescription vials from the pharmacy. Push down -- slight turn -- glug glug glug.<br />
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Some believe wine is improved by aerating it, which is the practice of introducing air into the wine. There are devices designed for this purpose, the use of which are recommended versus introducing wine into the air by hurtling a full glass across the room in a drunken rage.<br />
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A wine's dryness is associated with the amount of tannin in it. My evaluation of this characteristic is coming along very slowly since all I've been able to discern, in every bottle of wine I've opened so far, is its level of wetness. In an effort to improve my abilities here, I got back in the car and went to a local tannin salon. One hour and $60 later, I wasn't any better at making the distinction but did leave with a new-found appreciation for the importance of sunblock.<br />
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Wine has a language all its own. Actually, that's not true -- winers use common English words in unique and innovative ways to describe the characteristics of the fermented grape. In this context, adjectives like "angular," "opulent," and "fallen over" (which is what my wife Carol says happens after I finish my second glass) take on alternative meanings. One surprising designation is "stemmy," since I've always thought Stemmy was the designated frontman for Motörhead. A wine can be described as "chewy;" I, for one, would certainly return any bottle of wine where I had to chew what poured out of it. After delighting in a recent tasting, I told Carol I'd enjoyed a Barbera with great legs that I'd found firm, musky and voluptuous. She immediately filed for divorce, naming "Barbera" as the co-respondent.<br />
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I could go on but I've already spent enough time away from my studies. Tonight's lesson plan is to spend the evening exploring a companion I hope to find elegant, supple and a bit racy. And if turns out Carol has to work late, I'll just move on to a third glass and enjoy <strike>tripping</strike> <strike>tipping</strike> tippling on my own.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15151835572248996551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5141757844674745548.post-46092159294635211372017-03-28T00:43:00.000-04:002017-03-28T09:58:23.566-04:00Twenty-two signs I am not aging as gracefully as I'd like1. More and more frequently, when I come out from the grocery store I can't remember where I parked the car.<br />
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2. When I use the trimmer to clean out my ear and nose hair, the battery dies before I can finish.</div>
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3. The default volume for the television is set to "27."</div>
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4. I still watch television.</div>
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5. It sometimes takes me two tries to get up from the couch.</div>
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6. After cutting the grass, I have to take a nap.</div>
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7. After my second beer, I have to take a nap.</div>
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8. I've started to drive in the passing lane on the highway in order to keep those behind me at what I consider a reasonable speed.</div>
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9. I'm hungry for dinner at 4:30.</div>
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10. I submit a letter to the editor of my local newspaper about some issue or other at least once a week.</div>
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11. I still get a newspaper.</div>
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12. I know who the Doobie Brothers are, and have seen them in concert within the last year.</div>
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13. Now that Jane Pauley has taken over as host of <i>CBS Sunday Morning</i>, I'm concerned the show is starting to skew too "young."</div>
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14. I can't distinguish among the various Kardashian sisters.</div>
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15. I recall when a tablet was something you took, versus something you read a book on.</div>
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16. I recently became friends with someone -- IRL.</div>
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17. Grocery store brands are "good enough."</div>
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18. I remember seeing Susan Sarandon in her film debut.</div>
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19. I take ibuprofen before anything even starts hurting.</div>
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20. If you offer me a Budweiser -- instead of turning up my nose and insisting on a craft brew, I will drink it.</div>
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21. I remember when there was no 3-point shot in the NBA.</div>
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22. If I can't get up from the couch after two tries, I just stay put and turn the TV back on.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15151835572248996551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5141757844674745548.post-55673015619246840912017-03-18T15:52:00.001-04:002017-03-19T13:04:48.453-04:00I'm A Groan-upI heated up some alphabet soup for lunch today but quickly lost my appetite -- it had a vowel smell.<br />
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Did you know there's a medical term for someone who calls in sick to work and instead goes shopping? It's called mall-lingering.<br />
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I told my wife I was polyamorous, and she said fine -- Polly could have me.<br />
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Yesterday, upon the stair / I met a man who wasn't there / He wasn't there again today / I wish, I wish my building had an elevator.<br />
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A triangle with the sum of its angles exceeding 180 degrees is described as "obese."<br />
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I bought a cantaloupe and was very disappointed after tasting it. This made me feel meloncholy.<br />
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A group of alligators is called a "congregation." I guess that's because they're Chewish.<br />
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Is an actor who auditions for the role of "Courtroom Transcriptionist" hoping to be typecast?<br />
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I accidentally fell into a vat of brine and found myself in quite a pickle.<br />
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I seem to be interested in lovemaking only when I feel sleep coming on. I guess that makes me a trance-sexual.<br />
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Recently I wasn't feeling well but couldn't decide whether I should go to my doctor's office or the emergency room for treatment. So I called 911 and asked them to dispatch an ambivalence.<br />
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Ever since falling into an open sewer, I've been antiseptic.</div>
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I tried to hike through a swamp in the woods and managed to get stuck in the mud, making a real morass of myself.</div>
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I got knocked out during my first boxing match, but that's because I was a neofight.</div>
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My eighth-grade English teacher asked me to define "obstreperous" and I shouted, "NO WAY!"</div>
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If a psychiatrist ran for political office, could he be accused of voter Freud?</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15151835572248996551noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5141757844674745548.post-43478796581881556272017-03-08T17:10:00.001-05:002017-03-08T17:10:40.232-05:00The ‘complicated’ subject of healthcare, explained in nursery rhymes<div style="margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">Jack and Jill went up the hill</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">To fetch a pail of water.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">Jack fell down and broke his crown</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">And sold his iPhone to pay for the emergency room visit.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">All of his idiot congressmen</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">Failed at passing single-payer again.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">Jack Spratt could eat no fat;</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">His wife could eat no lean.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">And so, between the two of them,</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">They still didn’t qualify for Medicaid since LePage said, “Not for able-bodied adults!”</span></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-RJkrP4dBEfk/WMB_mLRrw9I/AAAAAAAADfo/XWTz1lUrIykTnAhaF1WHyLuoZA--N8frgCLcB/s1600/lepage.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-RJkrP4dBEfk/WMB_mLRrw9I/AAAAAAAADfo/XWTz1lUrIykTnAhaF1WHyLuoZA--N8frgCLcB/s1600/lepage.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: Open Sans, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">Five little monkeys jumping on the bed.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">One fell off and bumped his head.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">Mama called the doctor, and the doctor said,</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">“Sorry, I won’t see him unless you pay the deductible up front.”</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">Little baby! Little baby!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">Why are you cryin’?</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">Things could be worse –</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">You could be Paul Ryan.</span></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-v4cKhX9AkVI/WMB_vJ43m-I/AAAAAAAADfs/iJrKFoUyyZcvm0gb1_t0EwEhf_sPnDqjwCLcB/s1600/paul-ryan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-v4cKhX9AkVI/WMB_vJ43m-I/AAAAAAAADfs/iJrKFoUyyZcvm0gb1_t0EwEhf_sPnDqjwCLcB/s1600/paul-ryan.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: Open Sans, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">It’s raining, it’s pouring.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">The old man is snoring.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">Went to bed, his head went “bump.”</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">Premium’s 5x higher now due to Donald Trump.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">Mommy and Daddy and baby makes three.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">Once qualified for a subsidy.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">No longer under the GOP.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">Now they have to wait and see</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">How much their health care’s gonna be.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">Daddy said, “Stop trying to spin this.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">What do you mean by ‘coverage must be continuous?’</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">You made me set up an HSA,</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">But I have no money to put in there today.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">Obama got us healthcare, man!”</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">But Republicans didn’t like that plan.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">They said, “Repeal and then replace.”</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">Now they’re just trying to save face.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">Why can’t we cover everyone?</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">That effort should be bipartisan.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">On one side, you’ve got Price and Pence.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">Schumer’s there across the fence.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">The left and right will not agree,</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">So they stick it to the bourgeoisie.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">But whether you are poor or wealthy,</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">Everyone deserves to be healthy.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">There shouldn’t be a barrier</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">Due to insurance carrier.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 24px;">
<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">If the government can’t get this right</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">Then we have just begun to fight.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">Unless something comprehensive passes</span></div>
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<span style="color: #141412; font-family: inherit;">We’ll kick ‘em all out on their asses.</span></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wPnCLHle9JI/WMCA7Wl-rsI/AAAAAAAADf0/ZzDzjNiB8hMv3J9K-rx87jK7z-hm6zziQCLcB/s1600/calvin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wPnCLHle9JI/WMCA7Wl-rsI/AAAAAAAADf0/ZzDzjNiB8hMv3J9K-rx87jK7z-hm6zziQCLcB/s1600/calvin.jpg" /></a></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15151835572248996551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5141757844674745548.post-69795251758873021972017-03-08T08:54:00.001-05:002017-03-08T08:54:56.684-05:00Clutter Nonsense<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]--><span style="font-size: small;">I straightened up in the bathroom the other day and placed a clean throw rug in front of the sink. When Carol came home that evening, she saw the rug and told me: "I don't want that on the floor." My response: "Where else would it go?"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />I knew she meant she didn't want that <u>particular</u> rug on display, but I have so few opportunities to zing her that I had to jump on the non-sequitur. More importantly -- why, then, were we holding onto something we no longer had any use for? We recently bought another storage shed to join the one we already have in the yard; the new one serves as a place for all the furniture we continue to keep that does not fit into our current home. When we moved to our lovely but modest lake house in Maine, instead of downsizing our possessions, we brought everything with us and just gerrymandered the boundaries within which they are legally permitted to reside.</span><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of figures"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope return"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="line number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="page number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of authorities"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="macro"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="toa heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Closing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ENUp6_ElTQY/WLrip6kaFwI/AAAAAAAADew/3jIvZtYQbM0JkAYfVIxKukkvrwRDjbFzACLcB/s1600/junk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ENUp6_ElTQY/WLrip6kaFwI/AAAAAAAADew/3jIvZtYQbM0JkAYfVIxKukkvrwRDjbFzACLcB/s320/junk.jpg" width="320" /></a></span></span></div>
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</xml><![endif]--><span style="font-size: small;">When company comes, we offer a comfortable guest room with a few tastefully arranged family heirlooms on display. However, we're able to do that only by relocating an insane amount of stuff into <u>our</u> bedroom for the duration of their stay -- several barrels' worth of family photographs and craft supplies, stacks of books and magazines, assorted folding chairs, two sewing machines, and my exercise bicycle (which is actually a full-sized bike with the rear wheel sitting on a treadmill-like stand so I can peddle furiously without actually going anywhere, much like when I ride the bike outside). We can't show overnight visitors the master bedroom on the house tour since we have to put a shoulder to our door to force it open.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br />Once in a great while when we are house cleaning (and by this, I mean that we house clean only once in a great while), Carol will look at me and say, "I'm in a mood to get rid of things." This is a rare event, like a visit from Halley's Comet, or a truthful statement under oath from a member of the Trump administration. We immediately jump into action once those words leave her lips; we fill box after box with no-longer-worn clothing, no-longer-used kitchen appliances, no-longer-functioning electronic devices and other redundant possessions, and rush them to Goodwill before regret has time to take hold. We unload so much during these trips that the IRS dispatches an agent to supervise the donations. Once everything is accounted for, we receive a completed Form 8283, and to express our thanks we offer a bottle of wine (valued at $20 or less, as per federal guidelines), throwing in a few sticker books if the agent happens to mention there are small children at home.</span><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-x2K_I_Fmbg4/WL18smIGJCI/AAAAAAAADfM/IjVJ8GH73zIq_MEIOiEKuFXhgQmYdZh7QCLcB/s1600/IRS.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-x2K_I_Fmbg4/WL18smIGJCI/AAAAAAAADfM/IjVJ8GH73zIq_MEIOiEKuFXhgQmYdZh7QCLcB/s320/IRS.png" width="320" /></a></span></span></div>
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</xml><![endif]--><span style="font-size: small;">Some people find it hard to give up things they rarely (if ever) use because of emotional connections to those items. That extra set of china that's sitting in a box up in the attic? It belonged to your grandparents. That collection of Instamatic cameras, which they don't make film for anymore? You've held on to them since adolescence, when your life's ambition was to become a photographer for National Geographic. The dress you wore to your senior prom? That's the night you lost your... contact lenses. These keepsakes remind you of connections to family, or special events, or a time when your vision of the future excited you more than it might right now. I tend to be less sentimental than my wife, so it often falls on me in these moments to remain objective and ask that perfectly rational question: "Why do you want to hold onto something you no longer have any use for?"</span><br />
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<![endif]-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15151835572248996551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5141757844674745548.post-48485710138562685882017-03-01T10:46:00.000-05:002017-03-01T10:46:14.866-05:00Looking for quick, easy, nutritious dinners? Keep looking.Like many of you, I am often drained after getting home at the end of a busy day, exhausted from fulfilling my role as the least-productive member of my team at work, and find myself facing the challenge of preparing a nutritious and appealing dinner for the family. Selecting a recipe, scouring the refrigerator and cupboards for all the ingredients, sharpening the knives, peeling the potatoes, butchering the hog... sometimes everyone else has headed off to bed before I am ready to serve the evening meal at 10:45 P.M. Then the next challenge is waking everyone up and dragging them back to the table to eat.<br />
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There are numerous videos online purporting to show easy-peasy recipes, with the illusion heightened by time-lapse photography. "Here are red and green bell peppers / (chop-chop-chop) / And now they're seeded and diced into identical bite-sized sections." "Pop open a can of prepared bread dough / (smoosh-smoosh-smoosh) / Ta-da! Beef Wellington!" If you slow any of these videos down to real-time, you'll find they take 20 times more effort than the hyper-speed version you were just suckered by.<br />
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Even the cooking shows on TV are misleading. They are all hosted by professional chefs, using top-notch tools, boundless resources, and possessing a certain <i>savoir-faire</i> in the kitchen. What about those of us who are working with dull knives, a gouged cutting board, and the only spices found on the lazy susan are a three-year-old shaker of oregano and a half-bottle of Gravy Master passed down from your grandmother? What tips are there for the home cook who is only <i class="">faire</i>-enough?<br />
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I, and I alone, can help you separate the white from the yolk. Let me disabuse you of some common fallacies around simplifying dinnertime:<br />
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<b>"Many hands make light work."</b> This proverb may be true, but it applies to the kitchen only when you are demolishing it as part of a home renovation project. If you try to get your family -- especially any children age 12 or younger -- involved with meal preparation, it will take you three times as long to complete and a sticky mess will be spread out to the virtual horizon. Your kitchen is too small for an army of amateur sous-chefs to be milling about. The key to success here is to usher everyone out of your way by sitting them down to watch reruns of <i>2 Broke Girls</i> with a package of rice cakes and bowls of raw pinto beans as snacks to tide them over until suppertime. After an hour or so spent sampling these unpalatable choices (both food and program), they'll be thankful for nearly anything you serve for dinner, including sautéed liver and even Brussels sprouts.<br />
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<b>Make use of your crock pot.</b> Again, a common misconception; there is nothing task- or time-saving about using a crock pot. Everyone thinks you can just dump a can of cream of mushroom soup on top of a whole chicken, splash it with some of the zinfandel left over from the cheap bottle your cousin brought to guzzle from last Easter, set the timer, and come home to an incredible <i>coq au vin</i>. Nothing could be further from the truth; you'll return to find stringy chicken drowning in a pool of murky slime, and now you have to order a pizza. The only useful thing to do with that appliance is donate it to your local Goodwill -- you can take a tax write-off while clearing up valuable counter space. You think I'm kidding? Head over to Goodwill and see how many like-new crock pots they have on display.<br />
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<b>Go vegetarian or (even worse) vegan.</b> "Gee," you think to yourself one day, "if I had to shop only for vegetables, it would save me time in the store, and all I'd have to do is sauté a pan of hacked-up zucchini for dinner every night. What could be better?" Practically anything, that's what. If you've ever read a vegetarian or vegan cookbook, then you know that every other recipe calls for something called "tempeh." Tempeh is a fermented soy product offering protein and false promise. If you can even find it at your local supermarket, it's often more expensive per pound than beef, chicken or fish -- but, in fairness, it goes much farther. Often as far as the garbage can.<br />
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A strictly vegan diet is even more ridiculous; now your pantry will be filled with ingredients like chickpea flour, coconut oil, flax seeds, agave nectar, quinoa (pronounced, "ugh"), edamame and cashew milk. Want to know something tasty you can make from these ingredients? NOTHING. THERE IS NOTHING REMOTELY TASTY TO BE MADE FROM THESE INGREDIENTS. Your hunger will have to be satiated by the sense of smug satisfaction you derive from conferring the rights of personhood on chickens, cows, and bees.<br />
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<b><u>So what to do?</u></b> Don't ask me; I'm weary from another trying day of failure at work. If one more person asks me, "What's for dinner?" I'm going to lose my tempeh.<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15151835572248996551noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5141757844674745548.post-23458492461148698362017-02-25T11:36:00.001-05:002017-02-26T07:03:54.478-05:00These Oscar predictions are guaranteed to be 100% correct<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">The Academy Awards are this Sunday. Here are my frighteningly accurate predictions:</span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The show will go on far too long. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The opening monologue will attempt to be "edgy" -- and fail. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">There will be some mention during the broadcast of tweeting and hashtags and what the hell do they have to do with anything? </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">There will be some sort of "comedy skit" staged during Hour 2, involving various A-list celebrities, that won't be the least bit funny. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The cameras will cut to shots of people in the audience who are unknown to everyone watching except industry insiders. </span></span></li>
</ul>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="244" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-URtMjo_x-mo/WLC96EVejqI/AAAAAAAADcw/Q88SoPNoD7A8AuBcVYdK4TAuVLzxhXJUACEw/s320/Oscar.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Three unknowns + Dustin Hoffman</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The cameras will cut to shots of several "stars of yesteryear" who have undergone some truly frightening plastic surgery. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Meryl Streep will not wear anything flattering. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Whoever wins for Costume Design will wear an ensemble so "out there" as to leave you scratching your head how they got into that field in the first place. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The winner for Documentary (Short Subject) will give an impassioned speech about the person or cause featured in the film that will mean nothing to the viewing audience. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">In a cruel irony, the winner for Sound Editing will be cut off before completing his or her speech. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The last winner for Original Song anyone with little girls can recall is "Let It Go," from <i>Frozen</i>, because their kids have not stopped singing it since 2013. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The last winner for Original Song anyone else can recall is "My Heart Will Go On," from <i>Titanic</i>, because Celine Dion has not stopped singing it since 1997. </span></span></li>
</ul>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-n3FXa3TDb9A/WLGEIqvI_-I/AAAAAAAADc4/81ZQsBpfp1oQFf-6Xv5WVnP_XWHJCPwFgCLcB/s320/Celine.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And on and on and on and on...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The winners for Makeup and Hairstyling will be in dire need of their own services. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">During Hour 3, we will notice that Jimmy Kimmel has been MIA for a long stretch. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The clips shown for Short Film (Live Action) will provide absolutely no clue what the films are about. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The "In Memoriam" segment will not come on until at least 30 minutes after I've started falling asleep on the couch. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Someone will sing a sappy, cloying song during the "In Memoriam" segment that will annoy the living crap out of me. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">At least three times during the "In Memoriam" segment my wife will exclaim, "I didn't know SHE/HE was dead!" </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">There will be some sort of kerfuffle after the broadcast about someone of less than legendary stature being left out of the "In Memoriam" segment. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The winner for Directing will give the speech most likely to have been scribbled on the back of a napkin at one of the pre-show parties. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The winners for Best Actor and Actress will pay lip service to the other nominees and say how much those performances "inspired" the winner. In the evening's greatest display of acting prowess, those other nominees will appear to be flattered by the compliment. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">In the amount of time it will take all the cast and crew members associated with the Best Picture winner to amble on stage, hug and high-five each other, and listen to the film's producer thank a list of at least twenty different studio executives without whom "this vision could not have been realized" -- I could bake a cake from scratch. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">As soon as the show wraps up, I'll regret having watched it.</span></span></li>
</ul>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Magic carpet ride</td></tr>
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<![endif]-->Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15151835572248996551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5141757844674745548.post-41377721761804968392017-02-18T10:19:00.000-05:002017-02-20T16:02:25.532-05:00I’m In Charge Here, All Appearances To The Contrary<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Hello there, black lady - are you a reporter?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">That seems out of order with how things should be.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I said inner cities are bleak, filled with carnage.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">(We'll get back to leaks.) What is this "CBC"?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I thought for a moment that you were addressing<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The raids where we're picking up hombres so bad.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">So what if they're mothers? They should have thought through it<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Before having kids who are left behind. Sad!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">But anyway, let's get back to your suggestion.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Could you ask your friends when they'd all like to meet?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I figure you know them, because of your color.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">When I see a black, you know -- I cross the street.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'd love to confer with this so-called "black caucus."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'm happy to meet with them -- it'll be swell!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'll bring Dr. Carson; you'll bring Frederick Douglass.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We'll talk about how inner cities are hell.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The murder rate - up! It has never been higher.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><u>I</u> even once threatened to shoot someone dead!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Next month we're announcing a brand-new department:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We're calling it "Pre-Crime," which Tom Cruise will head.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">My people have told me my win was historic.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Anyone says something else -- that's fake news.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I only know what I am told by Steve Bannon<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">(who mentioned the Holocaust wasn't just Jews).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The mess I inherited, I'm going to fix it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Obama and Hillary, they're both to blame.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Ignore all the haters; there really aren't any.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The dishonest press makes them up. That's their game.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I've done more in 4 weeks than others in decades!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">My team runs the show like a fine-tuned machine!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The people want vetting, and borders, and tax breaks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">But justice for all -- nope, not that; that's obscene.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I won and I'm here and you'd better accept it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'm going to do what I said I would do.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">So screw the Resistance, and death to the leakers.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Excuse me now -- Putin's on hold on Line 2.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-d8jdm8Qy42E/WKh9zxQsIxI/AAAAAAAADbs/wo1VN4kR9s4Xr1i-l5Y4Dc8YdtiaOJWzwCLcB/s1600/Trump.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-d8jdm8Qy42E/WKh9zxQsIxI/AAAAAAAADbs/wo1VN4kR9s4Xr1i-l5Y4Dc8YdtiaOJWzwCLcB/s320/Trump.png" width="320" /></a></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15151835572248996551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5141757844674745548.post-44701837193988178372017-02-16T17:59:00.001-05:002017-02-20T10:23:34.792-05:00Are there nuclear codes for launching an f-bomb?<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">When our son Josh was in the eighth grade, he came home from school one afternoon with his report card. "How'd you do?" I asked. He hung his head for a moment and then said, "I got six 'A's and one grade I need to talk to you about." While I really would have preferred to focus on the six stellar assessments, I told him to proceed with his tale of woe, which was that he'd gotten an "F" in English. "How could you fail English?!" my wife protested. I advocated for a calmer response, suggesting perhaps his intention was to replace mastery of his native tongue with proficiency in a new language. Carol looked at me, not saying a word but with a glance that spoke volumes, then turned her attention back to Josh and again demanded, "How could you fail English?!" I was hopeful that Josh would demonstrate his mastery of, perhaps, French, and explain to his <i>mère</i> that he understood she had just issued a plaintive <i>cri de coeur</i>, but <i>une seule langue n'est jamais suffisante</i>.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></span></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-eQyKe6mdWPM/WKW8Zkiw4pI/AAAAAAAADbU/vmASwXfYNcEGt2-yxndG6E_nDEaOKwBwQCLcB/s320/report-card2.jpg" width="320" /></span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">That did not prove to be the case. Josh received the failing grade because he didn't turn in a project about common grammatical and spelling errors. The sidebar here is that I met with his teacher and convinced her to let </span>him<span style="font-family: inherit;"> hand in the assignment late, and she in return would adjust his grade for the semester to a minimally-passing "D" as long as he met all the report's requirements. He did, and she did, and that's the closest our son ever came to getting straight As in his entire academic career.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The reason I relate this tale is to lead into a discussion of some of those sticking points of grammar that he (meaning, "Me, standing over him with a whip in one hand and sharpened stick in the other") included in his finished paper. Even though this incident happened years ago, I continue to see people making these same mistakes. While I recently called my senator to strongly express my objection to Betsy DeVos becoming Secretary of Education (hashtag resist), if she can get our children (or even just our President) to understand the difference between "lose" and "loose," I'll continue to protest her appointment but will no longer drop any f-bombs while doing so.</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></span></span>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oHmF7sE3-f0/WKWzh7kfa-I/AAAAAAAADbA/gogFCMz6WNwZy0F0ah3SUStuXfn3XO8JwCPcB/s1600/tweet.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="137" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-oHmF7sE3-f0/WKWzh7kfa-I/AAAAAAAADbA/gogFCMz6WNwZy0F0ah3SUStuXfn3XO8JwCPcB/s320/tweet.PNG" width="320" /></a></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Here are some of those grammatical conundrums from Josh's long-ago assignment, and my current-day attempts at un-drumming them:</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />➤ What is the difference between less and fewer?</span></span></span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Use "fewer" when describing something you can count (example: "Beyoncé's masterful 2016 album Lemonade won <u>fewer</u> Grammys than Adele's treacly 25."); use "less" when describing something you can't count (example: "I think even <u>less</u> of Metallica after seeing them perform with Lady Gaga."). However, there are several exceptions to that rule, with this being among the most notable:</span></span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></span></span></li>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">"<i>How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.</i>" If you were able to count the ways but only got up to one (especially if that one was, "<i>I love it when you leave me alone.</i>"), you should say, "<i>Hmm... I guess I love thee <u>less</u> than I thought.</i>"</span></span></span><br /><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span></li>
</ul>
</ul>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">➤ When should I use </span><b style="font-family: inherit;">their</b><span style="font-family: inherit;"> versus </span><b style="font-family: inherit;">there</b><span style="font-family: inherit;">?</span></span></span><br />
<ul>
<li>The good news is you can use them interchangeably in the same sentence, as long as you are trying to console someone:<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></span></li>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><u style="font-family: inherit;">Their</u><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><u style="font-family: inherit;">there</u><span style="font-family: inherit;">, son. We still love thee, even if you failed English. Just a little </span><u style="font-family: inherit;">less</u><span style="font-family: inherit;"> than we used to."</span></span></span></li>
</ul>
</ul>
<ul>
</ul>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">➤ Does it matter if I use </span><b style="font-family: inherit;">your</b><span style="font-family: inherit;"> instead of </span><b style="font-family: inherit;">you're</b><span style="font-family: inherit;">?</span></span></span><span style="font-size: small;"> </span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: small;">Hell yes! "Your" is a possessive pronoun and is used when pairing an owner and object. "You're" means "you are," and is the pairing of a noun and verb. People get these mixed up, writing things like, "After a report card like that, <u>your</u> no child of mine," and, "Go talk to <u>you're</u> <i>mère</i> because I want nothing more to do with you right now."</span><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;">"You're" is properly referred to as a contraction, and that's where the confusion comes from. When Carol was in labor with Josh, the doctor wanted to know how close together the contractions were. I asked him to clarify his question, since "you'll" and "you're" are much closer together in the dictionary than, say, "aren't" and "weren't."</span><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: small;">I also berated him for pelting us with grammatical questions when we were their to have a baby. After that, we saw a lot <u>less</u> of him.</span></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-size: small;"></span>---<br />Josh did go on to study French in high school, and as a result knows most of the major swear words <i>en français</i>, along with slang for certain body parts. I know this because I've heard him express himself thusly over the years. You know what they say about the study of language: Use it or loose it.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15151835572248996551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5141757844674745548.post-2451938832889159702017-02-12T07:43:00.002-05:002017-02-12T07:43:58.127-05:00Recipes for Disaster<div style="color: #141412; font-family: "Open Sans", Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 24px;">
After some fits and starts, this winter has finally come to life with a vengeance rivaled only by the Democrats during the Trump cabinet nominee hearings. During this most recent spate of storms, many of us Mainers run the risk of losing power (something the Dems are also struggling with). You've got big plans for the evening and then suddenly... the electricity is gone (again with the Dems). "What do I do now?" you moan, quoting Hillary Clinton the day after the election results were announced.</div>
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When the power goes out, you risk the loss of expensive groceries in your refrigerator and freezer. But if you follow the tips I list here, you'll save your victuals and make meals that will bring you almost as much joy as Mike Pence is feeling these days while realizing he's just weeks away from having to drop the "V" from his title.</div>
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<li>Your refrigerator will keep food cold for about 4 hours if you don't open the door. Well, a lot of good that's going to do -- you need to <span data-mce-style="text-decoration: underline;" style="text-decoration: underline;">eat</span>, don't you? Do what I do and make a game out of it: open the door and make a meal with the first three items you lay your hands on. As an example: during a recent outage, I quickly reached into the fridge and came out with: 1) a jar of olives, 2) a six-pack of beer, and 3) another six-pack of beer. I ended up creating one of the most memorable feasts ever (so I've been told), and once the power was back on and I regained consciousness, I had enough olives left to whip up a serving of my famous Picadillo Cubano. And a martini.</li>
</ul>
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<a data-mce-href="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/refrigerator.png" href="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/refrigerator.png" style="color: #ac0404; text-decoration: none;"><img alt="refrigerator" class=" wp-image-614 aligncenter" data-mce-src="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/refrigerator.png" height="214" src="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/refrigerator.png" style="display: block; height: auto; margin: 5px auto; max-width: 100%; vertical-align: middle;" width="107" /></a></div>
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<li>When full, your freezer will keep food frozen for 48 hours, but only 24 hours if merely half-full. Obviously, then, it's to your advantage to keep your freezer at its maximum storage capacity. I manage to maintain this without risking freezer burn by keeping several power tools and my Bean boots in there.</li>
</ul>
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<a data-mce-href="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/power-tool.png" href="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/power-tool.png" style="color: #ac0404; text-decoration: none;"><img alt="power-tool" class=" wp-image-628 aligncenter" data-mce-src="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/power-tool.png" height="241" src="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/power-tool.png" style="display: block; height: auto; margin: 5px auto; max-width: 100%; vertical-align: middle;" width="393" /></a></div>
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<li>One box of kitchen matches, when lighted in succession, generate enough heat to cook one hot dog. From personal experience, I suggest you put the wiener on a skewer before firing it up.</li>
</ul>
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<a data-mce-href="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/matches.jpg" href="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/matches.jpg" style="color: #ac0404; text-decoration: none;"><img alt="matches" class=" wp-image-616 aligncenter" data-mce-src="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/matches.jpg" height="226" src="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/matches.jpg" style="display: block; height: auto; margin: 5px auto; max-width: 100%; vertical-align: middle;" width="315" /></a></div>
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<li>If you take a frozen hamburger patty and place it under your arm, you'll have a gourmet meal of steak tartare ready to go in about four hours.</li>
</ul>
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<a data-mce-href="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/hamburger.jpg" href="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/hamburger.jpg" style="color: #ac0404; text-decoration: none;"><img alt="hamburger" class=" wp-image-617 aligncenter" data-mce-src="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/hamburger.jpg" height="180" src="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/hamburger.jpg" style="display: block; height: auto; margin: 5px auto; max-width: 100%; vertical-align: middle;" width="291" /></a></div>
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<li>Put on your cargo shorts, flip flops, and Tommy Bahama shirt, and serve last summer's leftover popsicles for dinner. OPTIONAL: Family sing-along to "Margaritaville" until the lights come back on.</li>
</ul>
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<a data-mce-href="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/popsicle.jpg" href="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/popsicle.jpg" style="color: #ac0404; text-decoration: none;"><img alt="popsicle" class=" wp-image-618 aligncenter" data-mce-src="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/popsicle.jpg" height="176" src="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/popsicle.jpg" style="display: block; height: auto; margin: 5px auto; max-width: 100%; vertical-align: middle;" width="264" /></a></div>
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<li>Science teaches us that an increase in pressure creates heat. So pull out a can of soup and then bet your housemates you can name all the Presidents of the United States, in order, in 30 seconds. You'll be enjoying some piping hot chicken noodle in no time.</li>
</ul>
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<a data-mce-href="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/soup-can1.jpg" href="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/soup-can1.jpg" style="color: #ac0404; text-decoration: none;"><img alt="soup-can" class=" wp-image-626 aligncenter" data-mce-src="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/soup-can1.jpg" height="264" src="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/soup-can1.jpg" style="display: block; height: auto; margin: 5px auto; max-width: 100%; vertical-align: middle;" width="364" /></a></div>
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<li>In a pinch, a snow blower can substitute for your salad shooter.</li>
</ul>
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<a data-mce-href="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/salad-shooter2.png" href="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/salad-shooter2.png" style="color: #ac0404; text-decoration: none;"><img alt="salad-shooter" class=" wp-image-624 aligncenter" data-mce-src="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/salad-shooter2.png" height="304" src="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/salad-shooter2.png" style="display: block; height: auto; margin: 5px auto; max-width: 100%; vertical-align: middle;" width="270" /></a></div>
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<li>Ted Cruz showed everyone how to cook bacon using a machine gun. Two hints when attempting this for the first time: remember to use hearing protection, and do it <span data-mce-style="text-decoration: underline;" style="text-decoration: underline;">outside</span>.</li>
</ul>
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<a data-mce-href="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/bacon.jpg" href="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/bacon.jpg" style="color: #ac0404; text-decoration: none;"><img alt="bacon" class=" wp-image-622 aligncenter" data-mce-src="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/bacon.jpg" height="163" src="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/bacon.jpg" style="display: block; height: auto; margin: 5px auto; max-width: 100%; vertical-align: middle;" width="218" /></a></div>
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<li>Finally -- The moment you hear a big storm is coming, use Expedia to find the first available flight to Miami Beach. You and your family can be enjoying a delectable feast at Joe's Stone Crab that very evening.</li>
</ul>
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<a data-mce-href="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/747.jpg" href="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/747.jpg" style="color: #ac0404; text-decoration: none;"><img alt="747" class=" wp-image-621 aligncenter" data-mce-src="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/747.jpg" height="170" src="https://bdn-data.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs.dir/403/files/2017/02/747.jpg" style="display: block; height: auto; margin: 5px auto; max-width: 100%; vertical-align: middle;" width="255" /></a></div>
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I hope you find some of these suggestions helpful. By the way, I authored these recommendations by adopting the Republicans' approach to replacing the Affordable Care Act -- I had years to come up with something but only started to think about it yesterday. You can chew on that for awhile, too.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15151835572248996551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5141757844674745548.post-22662058102646679602017-01-31T16:44:00.000-05:002017-01-31T16:44:27.227-05:00Really in the ears (with apologies to Steely Dan)We were making idle chit-chat during dinner with friends, and I mentioned I'd be taking my car in for its 12,000-mile service. "But you just bought that car 7 months ago!" my wife Carol exclaimed. "How does it have 12,000 miles on it already?" "Well...," I replied cautiously, "that's because I've... driven it 12,000 miles since I purchased it." Carol looked at me intently and then said, "Really?"<br />
<br />
A host of ripostes came to mind, most of which are not suited for a family audience, so I just chose to respond with, "Yes, really," and let the matter drop. But it was the latest example of Carol offering an incredulous response to something I've said that seems quite matter-of-fact to me. Here are some other examples:<br />
<ul>
<li>On a recent lazy Sunday afternoon, Carol mentioned she felt tired and I encouraged her to take a nap. She agreed on the condition that I not let her sleep past 3 o'clock. At the appointed hour I went up to the bedroom and gently shook her shoulder while whispering in her ear: "<i>Carol, it's time to get up... Honey, you said you didn't want to sleep any later than this.</i>" With her eyes still shut, she sleepily mumbled, "What time is it?" I said it was 3 o'clock. She opened her eyes, looked at me and said, "<u>Really</u>?"</li>
<li>I was watching the evening news while Carol finished making dinner. She called out to ask me what the next day's weather was going to be. I said it was going to drop well below freezing. From the kitchen: "<u>Really</u>?"</li>
<li>I reminded Carol that I'd be leaving early the next morning to go to the dentist for a cleaning. "Didn't you just go to the dentist?" I replied it had been six months since my last appointment and now it was time for the next visit. "<u>Really</u>?"</li>
<li>Carol was baking cookies and asked for my help in getting ingredients measured and ready to add. "OK, what's next?" she inquired. "Let's see..." I reviewed the recipe and said, "Next is a teaspoon of baking soda." "Baking soda? Why did you say 'baking soda'?" "Well... that's because the next ingredient listed here is 'baking soda'." "<u>Really</u>?"</li>
</ul>
And so on. Hardly a day goes by that at some point our conversation isn't peppered with a "Really?" Checking the time, mentioning we're out of peanut butter, reviewing the evening's TV listings ("Is there a new episode of <i>The Big Bang Theory</i> on tonight?" -- "No, it's a rerun." -- "<u>Really</u>?"). Now, from Carol's perspective this is just a conversational "tic," a form of benign acknowledgement; the equivalent of saying, "Oh!" or perhaps, "I didn't realize that." But to my ears (and psyche), I interpret this as her ongoing sense of disbelief in the veracity of whatever I am telling her at that moment. <u>I</u> think <u>she</u> thinks I don't know how to tell time, or how to read, or -- in general -- how to tell my ass from a hole in the ground.<br />
<br />
My fear is that she will provide that same response when I need her to take immediate action related to an urgent request -- such as:<br />
<ul>
<li>"Sweetheart, we need to leave right now or else we're going to miss the start of the movie." "<u>Really</u>?"</li>
<li>"Honey, please don't flush the toilet while I'm taking a shower; the water gets scalding hot." "<u>Really</u>?"</li>
<li>"CAROL! CALL 911 -- I'VE SLICED MY ARM OFF WITH THE CHAIN SAW!" "<u>Really</u>?"</li>
</ul>
Now if I were to invite Carol to comment here, she'd likely say I'm exaggerating; stop it; I'm being ridiculous; of course she would attend to any medical emergency just as soon as she finished scrolling through the latest posts on her Facebook page.<br />
<br />
I suppose I should be fair here. I imagine I have a behavioral tic, maybe even two, of my own that get under Carol's skin. For example, I... uh, let's see -- sometimes when I... hmm; nothing is coming to mind off the top of my head. As a matter of fact, as a result of this thought exercise I've come to the conclusion that I'm pretty damn terrific and Carol's lucky to have me as her husband, and I plan to tell her that. But I already know what her response will be:<br />
<ul>
<li>"<u>REALLY</u>?"</li>
</ul>
<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15151835572248996551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5141757844674745548.post-16172634835180284592017-01-22T08:08:00.000-05:002017-01-22T08:08:28.186-05:00Climb Every Mantra<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Carol asked me the other day if I'd be interested in going to Kol Nidre with her that evening. I was confused by her request, since: 1) it wasn't anywhere near Yom Kippur, and 2) Carol isn't Jewish. When I asked her to clarify the reason behind her inquiry, she said it would help us learn to focus and relax. Now I was completely flummoxed, so I turned down the TV, pulled out my earphones, stopped scrolling through Facebook on my phone and stepped off the treadmill. "<i>What</i> exactly is it you want to do tonight?"</div>
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Once I was paying closer attention I understood she was asking if I wanted to practice <i>Yoga Nidra</i> with her. Ah, OK -- to the untrained ear, Aramaic and Sanskrit sound an awful lot alike. I was forced to admit I knew as much about Yoga Nidra as Carol knew about Kol Nidre, so I asked her to provide a brief explanation. She said it was a method of achieving deep relaxation; getting the mind and body into a state of consciousness between waking and sleeping. I said I wasn't sure why this was something that required practice, since that's how I spend most of my days. She went on to clarify that the focus was more on achieving a "wakeful" state while still being very relaxed, and when one reaches such a condition the body rejuvenates and the mind opens to profound insights. I said I wasn't sure this was all that different from attending Yom Kippur services, which also cultivated drowsiness while requiring you to remain attentive. Carol said the two were nothing alike, and suggested once the Yoga Nidra session was done we could go out to eat. I said she was further proving my point; the highlight of the Day of Atonement is the meal when it's all over. But because I am open to new experiences and also because Carol gave me "that look" -- I agreed to go with her.<br />
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Once we arrived at the yoga studio, I had to sign a release. "Release from what?" was my question; I had to agree I wouldn't hold the business liable for any injury that might occur during the session. I asked what kind of injury could possibly be inflicted while trying to achieve a state of deep relaxation while stretched out prone on a mat at floor level, unless I somehow managed to be lulled into an irreversible coma? Again, Carol gave me "that look" and I acquiesced and signed the paperwork. We ditched our shoes and I dropped my attitude.<br />
<br />
This was a popular program; there must have been at least sixty people in the room. I wondered how anyone could achieve a state of deep relaxation in such a crowded, enclosed space. I thought perhaps the tight quarters combined with deep breathing would lead to elevated levels of CO2, and therefore people were confusing profound insights with hallucinations brought on by oxygen deprivation. Now I was understanding why I had to sign that release.<br />
<br />
The session got underway with several basic yoga poses, focused on gentle stretching and alignment, which caused me to break into a sweat while fighting off foot cramps. About fifteen minutes in we began to work on our state of consciousness. We lay still while listening to our instructor, a very knowledgeable and charming woman named Sagel, review the seven chocolates. There are *seven* kinds of chocolate? Let's see: there's Snickers, 3 Musketeers, Twix, KitKat, Mounds, Almond Joy.. I was drawing a blank on the last one. I whispered to Carol on my left to ask if she knew, and she replied we were supposed to be focusing on the seven <u>chakras</u>. Well, Jesus -- I could relax, or I could focus on chakras, but how could I possibly do BOTH AT THE SAME TIME?<br />
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<br />
I don't recall the specifics of the seven chakras because, in all honesty, by that point I was craving something sweet. Once we were done with the chakras, Sagel had us direct our focus on individual parts of the body: sections of the arm; the leg; the torso, head and neck... She named every appendage by name except for the tingly parts.<br />
<br />
Next came instruction to focus on the breath flowing through each nostril, individually. I could pick out the left (I don't mean "pick" that way) but couldn't manage to isolate the right. Left-breathing is supposed to lower your blood pressure, while right-breathing raises it back up. The risk of lapsing into a coma was inching closer to reality.<br />
<br />
Since the class had people ranging from novice to expert, Sagel said we should each do whatever we felt was necessary to relax. So... I got up and dashed into the pub next door for a quick beer. I would have slipped back into my spot unnoticed except for belching as as I resumed my Savasana pose.<br />
<br />
We completed the session after another thirty minutes. Sagel then guided our return to a "normal" state of awareness. Well, for everyone except the woman who was on my right -- she was sleeping like a baby. I kneeled down, gently putting a hand on her shoulder while leaning in close to her ear to say, "WAKE UP! IT'S OVER!!" Everyone rolled up their yoga mats, re-folded blankets, returned blocks to storage, and exuded a sense of calm and well-being. I have to admit -- I enjoyed the session more than I thought I would, finding it very peaceful. I felt more centered than when I arrived, and actually had an insight unearthed from deep in my subconscious which helped me resolve an issue that had been preying on my mind for much of the evening: the seventh chocolate is a Milky Way.<br />
<br />
Namaste.<br />
<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15151835572248996551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5141757844674745548.post-40701207101164273432017-01-14T09:32:00.001-05:002017-01-14T09:32:36.456-05:00How I know I had the worst cold ever...There was nothing "common" about the cold I just got over. Here's how I know:<br />
<ul>
<li>My
head snapped forward and back so violently when sneezing, the National
Highway Traffic Safety Administration had me give demos for their crash test dummies.</li>
<li>I was so stuffed up, a taxidermist commented on how life-like I looked.</li>
<li>I went through so many trees' worth of tissues, Julia Butterfly Hill unfriended me on Facebook.</li>
<li>I drank so much chicken soup, all across the country matzo balls were left stranded high and dry.</li>
<li>My eyes watered so much, I placed a rain barrel next to my side of the bed.</li>
<li>I sneezed so hard, I launched a loogie that struck one of the cats in the head and knocked it unconscious.</li>
<li>My voice got so low and raspy, Tom Waits asked me to be his vocal coach.</li>
<li>I blew my nose so frequently, I jump-started a wind turbine.</li>
<li>I sucked on so many cough drops, the Smith Brothers came back from the dead to revel in their second fortune.</li>
<li>I gargled with so much salt water, ocean levels dropped a foot.</li>
<li>My nose ran so much, I bought it a pair of sneakers.</li>
<li>I drank so much tea, I sprained my wrist from dipping the bags in the teacup.</li>
<li>I popped so many decongestants, I'm now on the DEA "Watch List."</li>
<li>I took so many supplements with Vitamin C, orange juice futures closed at an all-time high.</li>
<li>I smeared on so much Vicks VapoRub, I'm planning a swim across the English Channel.</li>
<li>My ears were so plugged up, I thought Mariah Carey sounded fine on New Year's Eve.</li>
<li>I hugged the hot water bottle so tightly, my wife is naming it a co-respondent in her divorce filing.</li>
</ul>
But
the ultimate factor that tipped the scales to "worst ever" is because
it was MY BIRTHDAY in the midst of the period I wrestled with this
affliction. Didn't want to drink or party one little bit. Well, now that
I'm finally on the other side of the experience I plan to make up for
it this weekend.<br />
<br />
Stay tuned for my next post: "How I know I had the worst hangover ever..."<br />
<br />
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<ol>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15151835572248996551noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5141757844674745548.post-83483826861146868832017-01-07T08:55:00.000-05:002017-01-07T08:55:01.387-05:00My bathroom innovation will make you flush with excitement"Honey," I say, taking my wife's hands in mine and looking into her
eyes with all the affection I can muster, "I love you with all my heart.
Keeping that in mind, I want to let you know the next time I go to use
the bathroom and find a roll of toilet paper with only three sheets left
on it -- I'm leaving you."<br />
<br />
She tells me she doesn't want to waste
the remaining paper by throwing it out unused. I respond by asking what
exactly can three sheets of toilet paper be used for? I suggest if
thrift is her concern then perhaps she could use it to blow her nose, or
remove some lipstick, or wipe the smudges off her phone screen and then
install a fresh roll with a clear conscience. She says those all sound
like silly suggestions to her. I offer another suggestion: if she
doesn't come up with some solution -- soon -- then the next time this
happens I will signal my displeasure by using those three sheets to
start a small bonfire in the bathroom.<br />
<br />
She says that's ridiculous.
I counter that it's no more ridiculous than leaving a useless remnant
of a toilet paper roll in place and expecting the next occupant to
assume the responsibility for replacing it at a particularly
inconvenient moment.<br />
<br />
She says I'm not being fair; there are plenty
of times when she finishes the roll and replaces it with a new one. I
concede that *sometimes* she does that, but that leads to another
concern -- why do I find the empty cardboard center perched on the edge
of the sink? "It's recyclable," she informs me. "Yes," I acknowledge. "I
am well aware of that, and applaud you for your awareness of the
environmental impact. But this is my question: how exactly do you expect
that roll to be introduced into the Reuse-Reduce-Recycle triad without
actually placing it <span data-mce-style="text-decoration: underline;" style="text-decoration: underline;">in</span> the recycling bin?"<br />
<br />
She
responds that she *intends* to place the empty roll in the recycling
bin but occasionally just forgets. I remind her that the road to You
Know Where (we used to say "Hell," but now we say "the Trump White
House") is paved with good intentions. She looks at me with exasperation
and asks why I am making such a big deal out of such a little thing. I
say the future of our planet is not a "little thing." She tells me she's
getting tired of dealing with my hyperbole. I tell her I'm getting
tired of her unwillingness to consider how finding three useless sheets
hanging limply, or a forlorn cardboard tube teetering on the edge of the
sink, and then having to deal with those situations ON TOP OF
everything else I am responsible for around the house drives me nuts.<br />
<br />
Now
the gloves come off. She asks me just WHAT exactly are all my
"responsibilities" around the house? I start to tick off the list: empty
the dishwasher, scoop out the cat litter, do all the laundry that's OK
to go in the dryer, refill the bird feeders that she can't reach... I
tell her I'm just providing the highlights here; there is more but at
the moment I am taken aback by her challenge to recite it all from
memory. Then I offer this clincher: "There are LOTS of things I take
care of that YOU WON'T HANDLE." A slight smirk slowly creases Carol's
face as she composes her response: "What <i>exactly</i> do <span data-mce-style="text-decoration: underline;" style="text-decoration: underline;">you</span>
have to deal with that I can't take care of myself?" I look her
straight in the eye and state, "I handle paying all the bills, and I
file our taxes every year. I've never seen you even TRY to sign into our
online banking or the tax program, much less take care of the monthly
bills or our annual returns." Carol smacks herself in the forehead while
rolling her eyes and says, "That's because you're the one who set up
all the computer-based accounts WITHOUT TELLING ME WHAT ANY OF THE
PASSWORDS ARE! I've asked you to write them down for me and you NEVER
DO!" I inform her that writing down passwords is not a secure way to
share them. I think I see a look of disbelief on her face just before
she turns away from me. I realize that, correct as I may be, I have trod
onto thin ice and attempt to gingerly work my way back to safer ground.<br />
<br />
"Honey," I say, with all the affection I can muster, "I'm not trying to start an argument here."<br />
<br />
"Oh, I think it's too late for that."<br />
<br />
"Well...
be that as it may. Let's see if we can come to an agreement -- you
accept your responsibility for replacing the toilet paper and getting
the empty roll all the way into the recycling bin, and I'll promise to
try and not shrink your yoga pants again. Doesn't that sound
reasonable?"<br />
<br />
Carol's been up in the bedroom with the door locked
for several hours now, so she must be giving my proposal some serious
thought. I've been using this time productively by unspooling all the
rolls of toilet paper stored in the linen closet and writing "REMEMBER
TO RECYCLE ME! :-)" with a marker on the cardboard cores. I'm also
reverse-numbering the corners of the sheets so it's clear when we get
down to those last three useless squares. I just hope I can get all the
paper wrapped back around the tubes before she comes downstairs. I can't
wait to witness her response to my latest innovation in the name of
household efficiency.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-oSvMDCnXjRA/WHDy51LjqeI/AAAAAAAADXA/4LONpA6VU9oJZOBAs9clQ4wLfID9Q3FoACLcB/s1600/toilet-paper.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-oSvMDCnXjRA/WHDy51LjqeI/AAAAAAAADXA/4LONpA6VU9oJZOBAs9clQ4wLfID9Q3FoACLcB/s320/toilet-paper.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo courtesy of the aggrieved author</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15151835572248996551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5141757844674745548.post-44636596282101367992016-12-28T13:47:00.001-05:002016-12-28T13:47:19.351-05:00At least three of these New Year's resolutions are sincere<i>Promises should be kept, while rules are made to be broken. New Year’s resolutions fall somewhere in-between.</i><br />
<br />
1. Let my friends and family members know how important they are to me, by stack ranking them.<br />
<br />
2. Stop yelling, "OW!" and then giggling every time I nibble on a piece of sharp cheese.<br />
<br />
3. Admit that when I say, "I'm going ice fishing," it just means I'm sucking the last of the bourbon off the cubes at the bottom of the glass.<br />
<br />
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<br />
<br />
4. Get around to losing those 30 extra pounds before my next birthday.<br />
<br />
5. Hmm.. seeing that my next birthday is less than 2 weeks away, maybe the one after that.<br />
<br />
6. As part of that attempt -- eat healthier. Step 1: start sprinkling turmeric on my ice cream.<br />
<br />
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<br />
<br />
7. Accept
the things I cannot change, have the courage to change the things I can,
and gain the wisdom to recognize the difference between parsley and
cilantro.<br />
<br />
8. Be more open to the opinions of others, and hear them out before trashing them for their ignorance. <br />
<br />
9. Start every day with a dream and then just keeping hitting the snooze button.<br />
<br />
10. Give up on my goal of teaching the cats to use the toilet, since I don't always make it there myself.<br />
<br />
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<br />
<br />
11. Stop
and admire the natural beauty that surrounds us before Donald Trump
manages to obscure it all in a thick cloud of coal dust.<br />
<br />
12. Appreciate all that I have been given and ask only for what you have that I don't.<br />
<br />
13. Treat
my wife with all the love and affection she deserves, especially before
she realizes she could have done much, much better.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15151835572248996551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5141757844674745548.post-62682953532151878462016-12-19T12:55:00.002-05:002017-01-05T11:20:08.377-05:00A Christmas Peril(With sincere and genuine apologies to Clement Clarke Moore.) <br />
<br />
'Twas the night before Christmas, when up in Trump Tower<br />
The Pres-Elect watched TV in the wee hours.<br />
The Donald was hung, he’d proclaimed to the land,<br />
We shouldn't be misled by the size of his hands.<br />
Priebus and Ryan were all snug in their beds,<br />
While visions of disruption danced in their heads.<br />
Kellyanne with her bleached hair, and Bannon with stubble,<br />
Continued to plot how to cause so much trouble.<br />
When out on Fifth Avenue arose such a bleat,<br />
The Donald stopped what he was doing, mid-tweet.<br />
He'd sign on again later to call Baldwin a hater,<br />
But now he descended his gold escalator.<br />
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow<br />
Reminded Sir Trump where his hands should not go.<br />
When what to his wandering eyes did appear<br />
But his Cabinet members, who gave him a cheer.<br />
(But not old Chris Christie, face round and waist thick --<br />
The brain trust decided that he was a dick.)<br />
More rapid than denying the impact of hacking<br />
He whistled, and shouted, thanking them for their backing:<br />
<br />
“Now, <i>Zinke</i>! Now, <i>Pruitt</i>! Now, ‘<i>Mad Dog</i>’ and <i>Haley</i>!<br />
You know I’ll embarrass you all almost daily!<br />
And <i>Tillerson</i>! You know you’re controversial,<br />
But I’ll sell them on you like an Exxon commercial.<br />
There <i>Puzder</i>! My labor guy! (How I love your name.)<br />
Hot chicks in bikinis are what brought you fame.<br />
And <i>Pruitt</i>! I don’t give a damn what the tree-huggers say, <br />
Get started dismantling that vile EPA.<br />
There’s <i>Ross</i>! He’s my Commerce guy. He’s almost 80.<br />
(I won’t let him ponder on issues too weighty.)<br />
<i>Ben Carson</i> for HUD! My black friend -- that's you!<br />
Between you and Kanye, I'm now up to two.<br />
Who's that with head bobbing? Oh, there you are, <i>Mitt</i>!<br />
You thought I'd give <u>you</u> a job? Ha, you dumb shit!<br />
There’s more of you out there; don’t yet know all your names,<br />
But soon at your shuffling feet I’ll lay blame.”<br />
<br />
Trump was chubby and plump, like an orange so ripe,<br />
And I laughed when I saw him, giving him reason to gripe.<br />
With a wink of his eye and a twist of his head<br />
Soon gave me to know I had so much to dread.<br />
He spoke many words, ‘cause he knew all the best ones,<br />
And walked back inside, arm in arm with Jeff Sessions.<br />
And brushing his hair back on top of his pate,<br />
He returned to his Twitter account to berate.<br />
But I heard him exclaim, in words no longer puzzlin’ --<br />
“<i>Happy Christmas to all, and to hell with the Muslims!</i>”<br />
<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15151835572248996551noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5141757844674745548.post-79609477547453943472016-12-15T07:32:00.001-05:002016-12-15T08:37:28.417-05:00Standing on the AllegedI've just learned that Kim Kardashian, who largely removed herself from the public eye after allegedly being robbed in Paris a few months ago, has returned to social media by posting two Instagram videos where she is allegedly shaking her "booty."<br />
<br />
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CORRECTION: Kim Kardashian has posted two Instagram videos where she is shaking her alleged "booty."<br />
<br />
LET'S TRY ONCE MORE: Kim Kardashian has posted two Instagram videos where a "booty," allegedly hers, is being shaken.<br />
<br />
NOPE, THAT WASN'T RIGHT EITHER: There does not appear to be any ancillary contribution to the shaking of said "booty." The shaking seems to be completely within the control of the person pictured in the videos, who may be Kim Kardashian or, it is alleged, perhaps one of her sisters, and whose "booty" is the body part in motion.<br />
<br />
GETTING CLOSER: The Instagram videos that are alleged to show Kim Kardashian shaking her "booty" may mark her return to social media. In response to critics who claim this is a salacious re-emergence, the Kardashian camp responded that the videos were done in a tasteful manner since the "booty-shaking" appears in slow-motion, making it artistic and not at all lascivious.<br />
<br />
HEY, NOW: I have just stumbled across a new word -- "<a href="http://www.dictionary.com/browse/concupiscent" target="_blank">concupiscent</a>." That would have been a good one to use in the previous paragraph.<br />
<br />
TO CONTINUE: There was also another picture posted on Instagram that included breasts resting upon a second "booty." As I write this, ownership of these body parts has not been firmly established, but because of the degree of concupiscence on display it is alleged all the parts are associated with at least two Kardashian family members. However, none of the parts are alleged to belong to either Kris or Caitlyn Jenner.<br />
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<br />
IN SUMMARY: Kim Kardashian, who is alleged to be a "famous celebrity," but is definitely someone for whom I have no use, continues to generate what I used to refer to as "fake news." Now, "fake news" is described as fiction posted online which is alleged to have influenced the outcome of the recent election and, as a result, the foundation of our democratic process has allegedly been undermined by the efforts of so-called state-sponsored "bad actors."<br />
<br />
Speaking of "bad actors" -- that pretty much describes the Kardashians, doesn't it?<br />
<br />
Speaking of "fiction posted online" -- that pretty much describes the T&A in these screenshots, doesn't it?<br />
<br />
I am now nearly out of patience, allegations and quotation marks. Back to the (alleged) "real" news.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15151835572248996551noreply@blogger.com0