"...it's like Will Rogers, Jean Shepherd and some grumpy Jewish man all rolled into one."

Friday, December 28, 2012

Resolutions for 2013

In the new year starting on or about January 1, 2013, I hereby resolve to:
  • Stop saying "Whoa!" in my Vinny Barbarino voice everytime I see John Travolta on TV.
  • Let those close to me know how much I love them every day, even when I'm really not feeling it.
  • Play more tennis while wearing a headband, for the amusement of my opponents.
  • Lose 30 pounds before my audition for the film version of "Les Miz". What? You're shitting me...
  • Exhibit more patience when dealing with people who obviously have their heads up their asses.
  • Be a better husband and father as soon as I remarry and start a new family.
  • Try to get through an entire episode of anything produced by Tyler Perry.
  • Slap the next person who says, "Oh, I don't follow the news."
  • Embrace the fact that I'm well into middle age and stop trying to appear cool in front of the youngsters, yo' hashtag.
  • Take all the energy I waste hating on Oprah and transfer it to Katie Couric.
  • Exercise more. Step 1: take the batteries out of the remote.
  • Eat better. And by "better", I mean "more" and "faster".
  • Stop referring to sleep as "downtime".
  • Work smarter, not harder. Step 1: Get a job with dumber people.
  • Stop and smell the roses. Walk around me, asshole!
  • Learn to read music rather than always waiting for the record to come out.
  • Be thankful for small mercies, but really wallow in others' discomfort.
  • Stop telling Carol, "This vacuum SUCKS!" and then breaking into laughter.
  • Accept the things I cannot change, have the courage to change the things I can, and acquire the wisdom to know the difference between "No Standing" and "No Parking".
  • Think globally, act locally. Step 1: Is there a touring company of "Les Miz" anywhere near here?

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