"...it's like Will Rogers, Jean Shepherd and some grumpy Jewish man all rolled into one."

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

At least three of these New Year's resolutions are sincere

Promises should be kept, while rules are made to be broken. New Year’s resolutions fall somewhere in-between.

1. Let my friends and family members know how important they are to me, by stack ranking them.

2. Stop yelling, "OW!" and then giggling every time I nibble on a piece of sharp cheese.

3. Admit that when I say, "I'm going ice fishing," it just means I'm sucking the last of the bourbon off the cubes at the bottom of the glass.

4. Get around to losing those 30 extra pounds before my next birthday.

5. Hmm.. seeing that my next birthday is less than 2 weeks away, maybe the one after that.

6. As part of that attempt -- eat healthier. Step 1: start sprinkling turmeric on my ice cream.

7. Accept the things I cannot change, have the courage to change the things I can, and gain the wisdom to recognize the difference between parsley and cilantro.

8. Be more open to the opinions of others, and hear them out before trashing them for their ignorance.

9. Start every day with a dream and then just keeping hitting the snooze button.

10. Give up on my goal of teaching the cats to use the toilet, since I don't always make it there myself.

11. Stop and admire the natural beauty that surrounds us before Donald Trump manages to obscure it all in a thick cloud of coal dust.

12. Appreciate all that I have been given and ask only for what you have that I don't.

13. Treat my wife with all the love and affection she deserves, especially before she realizes she could have done much, much better.

Monday, December 19, 2016

A Christmas Peril

(With sincere and genuine apologies to Clement Clarke Moore.)

'Twas the night before Christmas, when up in Trump Tower
The Pres-Elect watched TV in the wee hours.
The Donald was hung, he’d proclaimed to the land,
We shouldn't be misled by the size of his hands.
Priebus and Ryan were all snug in their beds,
While visions of disruption danced in their heads.
Kellyanne with her bleached hair, and Bannon with stubble,
Continued to plot how to cause so much trouble.
When out on Fifth Avenue arose such a bleat,
The Donald stopped what he was doing, mid-tweet.
He'd sign on again later to call Baldwin a hater,
But now he descended his gold escalator.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Reminded Sir Trump where his hands should not go.
When what to his wandering eyes did appear
But his Cabinet members, who gave him a cheer.
(But not old Chris Christie, face round and waist thick --
The brain trust decided that he was a dick.)
More rapid than denying the impact of hacking
He whistled, and shouted, thanking them for their backing:

“Now, Zinke! Now, Pruitt! Now, ‘Mad Dog’ and Haley!
You know I’ll embarrass you all almost daily!
And Tillerson! You know you’re controversial,
But I’ll sell them on you like an Exxon commercial.
There Puzder! My labor guy! (How I love your name.)
Hot chicks in bikinis are what brought you fame.
And Pruitt! I don’t give a damn what the tree-huggers say,
Get started dismantling that vile EPA.
There’s Ross! He’s my Commerce guy. He’s almost 80.
(I won’t let him ponder on issues too weighty.)
Ben Carson for HUD! My black friend -- that's you!
Between you and Kanye, I'm now up to two.
Who's that with head bobbing? Oh, there you are, Mitt!
You thought I'd give you a job? Ha, you dumb shit!
There’s more of you out there; don’t yet know all your names,
But soon at your shuffling feet I’ll lay blame.”

Trump was chubby and plump, like an orange so ripe,
And I laughed when I saw him, giving him reason to gripe.
With a wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had so much to dread.
He spoke many words, ‘cause he knew all the best ones,
And walked back inside, arm in arm with Jeff Sessions.
And brushing his hair back on top of his pate,
He returned to his Twitter account to berate.
But I heard him exclaim, in words no longer puzzlin’ --
Happy Christmas to all, and to hell with the Muslims!

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Standing on the Alleged

I've just learned that Kim Kardashian, who largely removed herself from the public eye after allegedly being robbed in Paris a few months ago, has returned to social media by posting two Instagram videos where she is allegedly shaking her "booty."

CORRECTION: Kim Kardashian has posted two Instagram videos where she is shaking her alleged "booty."

LET'S TRY ONCE MORE: Kim Kardashian has posted two Instagram videos where a "booty," allegedly hers, is being shaken.

NOPE, THAT WASN'T RIGHT EITHER: There does not appear to be any ancillary contribution to the shaking of said "booty." The shaking seems to be completely within the control of the person pictured in the videos, who may be Kim Kardashian or, it is alleged, perhaps one of her sisters, and whose "booty" is the body part in motion.

GETTING CLOSER: The Instagram videos that are alleged to show Kim Kardashian shaking her "booty" may mark her return to social media. In response to critics who claim this is a salacious re-emergence, the Kardashian camp responded that the videos were done in a tasteful manner since the "booty-shaking" appears in slow-motion, making it artistic and not at all lascivious.

HEY, NOW: I have just stumbled across a new word -- "concupiscent." That would have been a good one to use in the previous paragraph.

TO CONTINUE: There was also another picture posted on Instagram that included breasts resting upon a second "booty." As I write this, ownership of these body parts has not been firmly established, but because of the degree of concupiscence on display it is alleged all the parts are associated with at least two Kardashian family members. However, none of the parts are alleged to belong to either Kris or Caitlyn Jenner.

IN SUMMARY: Kim Kardashian, who is alleged to be a "famous celebrity," but is definitely someone for whom I have no use, continues to generate what I used to refer to as "fake news." Now, "fake news" is described as fiction posted online which is alleged to have influenced the outcome of the recent election and, as a result, the foundation of our democratic process has allegedly been undermined by the efforts of so-called state-sponsored "bad actors."

Speaking of "bad actors" -- that pretty much describes the Kardashians, doesn't it?

Speaking of "fiction posted online" -- that pretty much describes the T&A in these screenshots, doesn't it?

I am now nearly out of patience, allegations and quotation marks. Back to the (alleged) "real" news.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Thirteen Last-Minute Gift Ideas for 2016

As I write this, Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa are still more than two weeks away and yet all the "hot" holiday gift items seem to be in short supply. When you call the Snuggies people and are told the only choice left is the Two-Tone in Gold and Avocado Chevron Stripes, size 3XL...It's time to get creative so as not to completely stiff the people upon whom you are counting to give you much nicer gifts than you reluctantly purchased for them.

Here are thirteen gift ideas for those of you who have waited too long and/or were hoping for a Bernie Sanders victory and his subsequent issuance of an ushanka to every citizen of the New Socialist Republic to celebrate the secular Winter Solstice:

Donald Trump Gift Basket of Deplorable Foods: A delectable assortment of fried chicken, french fries and overcooked steaks, but absolutely no humble pie.

Mike Pence Stopwatch: Click on the timer and watch it run backward to a simpler time when men (real men, if you catch my drift) knew what was best for everyone else.

Hillary Clinton Glass Ceiling Cleaner: May not perform as expected in shattering your expectations.

Tim Kaine Vanishing Cream: Apply and watch yourself disappear back into obscurity.

Jill Stein Abacus: However you do the math, it still doesn't add up. (Also available in Pat McCrory Special Edition.)

Gary Johnson Compass: No matter where you are, you'll still be directionless.

GOP Sampler: 17 assorted varieties, mostly nuts, a few clusterf---ks, some milquetoast with only one dark to choose from, and one with a surprisingly bitter finish after all the rest have been consumed and cast aside.

DNC Vanity Mirror: Originally designed to reflect a bright future but unexpectedly shatters in the harsh morning-after dawn of reality.

The 2016 Ford "Millennial": Doesn't burn expensive fossil fuels because it's not going anywhere. Special 100% self-interest financing available.

Rainbow Coalition Flag: Sorry, now available only in White.

Vegetable Repealer: Puts things back the way they were before, regardless of how beneficial they were once offered for your consumption.

Alt-Right Guard Deodorant: Covers up the stench but there's still a festering reality causing the stink that you ignore at your own peril.

Fake News of the World Subscription (online edition): All the post-truth, fact-free, false-flag, conspiracy-obsessed stories that stubbornly refuse to go away. Free pizza with every order!
Please make your checks payable to "My Non-Existent Charitable Foundation" to make your purchase tax-avoidable. Delivery by Christmas is, according to the mainstream media, all but guaranteed. If you are not satisfied with your purchase, you can tweet about it but at your own peril.