"...it's like Will Rogers, Jean Shepherd and some grumpy Jewish man all rolled into one."

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

At least three of these New Year's resolutions are sincere

Promises should be kept, while rules are made to be broken. New Year’s resolutions fall somewhere in-between.

1. Let my friends and family members know how important they are to me, by stack ranking them.

2. Stop yelling, "OW!" and then giggling every time I nibble on a piece of sharp cheese.

3. Admit that when I say, "I'm going ice fishing," it just means I'm sucking the last of the bourbon off the cubes at the bottom of the glass.

4. Get around to losing those 30 extra pounds before my next birthday.

5. Hmm.. seeing that my next birthday is less than 2 weeks away, maybe the one after that.

6. As part of that attempt -- eat healthier. Step 1: start sprinkling turmeric on my ice cream.

7. Accept the things I cannot change, have the courage to change the things I can, and gain the wisdom to recognize the difference between parsley and cilantro.

8. Be more open to the opinions of others, and hear them out before trashing them for their ignorance.

9. Start every day with a dream and then just keeping hitting the snooze button.

10. Give up on my goal of teaching the cats to use the toilet, since I don't always make it there myself.

11. Stop and admire the natural beauty that surrounds us before Donald Trump manages to obscure it all in a thick cloud of coal dust.

12. Appreciate all that I have been given and ask only for what you have that I don't.

13. Treat my wife with all the love and affection she deserves, especially before she realizes she could have done much, much better.

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