Here are thirteen gift ideas for those of you who have waited too long and/or were hoping for a Bernie Sanders victory and his subsequent issuance of an ushanka to every citizen of the New Socialist Republic to celebrate the secular Winter Solstice:
Donald Trump Gift Basket of Deplorable Foods: A delectable assortment of fried chicken, french fries and overcooked steaks, but absolutely no humble pie.
Mike Pence Stopwatch: Click on the timer and watch it run backward to a simpler time when men (real men, if you catch my drift) knew what was best for everyone else.
Hillary Clinton Glass Ceiling Cleaner: May not perform as expected in shattering your expectations.
Tim Kaine Vanishing Cream: Apply and watch yourself disappear back into obscurity.
Jill Stein Abacus: However you do the math, it still doesn't add up. (Also available in Pat McCrory Special Edition.)
Gary Johnson Compass: No matter where you are, you'll still be directionless.
GOP Sampler: 17 assorted varieties, mostly nuts, a few clusterf---ks, some milquetoast with only one dark to choose from, and one with a surprisingly bitter finish after all the rest have been consumed and cast aside.
DNC Vanity Mirror: Originally designed to reflect a bright future but unexpectedly shatters in the harsh morning-after dawn of reality.
The 2016 Ford "Millennial": Doesn't burn expensive fossil fuels because it's not going anywhere. Special 100% self-interest financing available.
Rainbow Coalition Flag: Sorry, now available only in White.
Vegetable Repealer: Puts things back the way they were before, regardless of how beneficial they were once offered for your consumption.
Alt-Right Guard Deodorant: Covers up the stench but there's still a festering reality causing the stink that you ignore at your own peril.
Fake News of the World Subscription (online edition): All the post-truth, fact-free, false-flag, conspiracy-obsessed stories that stubbornly refuse to go away. Free pizza with every order!
Please make your checks payable to "My Non-Existent Charitable Foundation" to make your purchase tax-avoidable. Delivery by Christmas is, according to the mainstream media, all but guaranteed. If you are not satisfied with your purchase, you can tweet about it but at your own peril.
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