"...it's like Will Rogers, Jean Shepherd and some grumpy Jewish man all rolled into one."

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Stinkin' Thinkin'

  • I asked my wife if she'd like to try a new position. She readily agreed, and now no longer endorses a carbon tax as the most economically efficient means to convey crucial price signals that spur emissions-reducing investments.
  • Instead of parallel parking, I tried perpendicular parking. On the plus side, it was much easier to pull into the space. On the negative side, I had a bitch of a time getting my purchases in the trunk without getting ass-swiped by passing traffic.
  • Using a trampoline while cleaning the gutters isn't as much fun as you might imagine.
  • In the face of adversity, I adopted a different approach to my nemesis and tried killing him with kindness. It didn't change the district attorney's sentencing recommendation.
  • I tried putting the cart before the horse. Now I'm out one cart and one horse.
  • Trying to manage my time more effectively, I spent the first half-hour of my day reviewing my schedule. I was then fired for being 30 minutes late for work.
  • A turntable may work in a microwave, but not a VCR.
  • Believing laughter is the best medicine, I stopped taking my Lipitor. Want to see the scar from my bypass?
  • Embracing the belief that honesty is the best policy, the last time my wife asked, "Do these pants make me look fat?" I replied, "They sure do." In all honesty, I wish I hadn't said that.
  • Just because you sign up for direct deposit with your bank doesn't mean they'll let you walk into their vault unimpeded.
  • Have you ever wondered if you could save money by changing the oil in your car yourself? Well, not if you use Wesson.
  • Despite its name, never dance while using a jig saw.
  • You'd think people trying to diet would appreciate having the refrigerator duct-taped closed. You'd think wrong.

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