"...it's like Will Rogers, Jean Shepherd and some grumpy Jewish man all rolled into one."

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Have You Ever...?

... pulled a frozen pizza out of the oven and realize you'd also "baked" the cardboard platter on the bottom?

... completed a very productive session in the bathroom and then pulled the last 3 sheets of toilet paper off the roll?

... asked a clerk where something was in the store while you were standing right next to it?

... ignored the sender's "NSFW" warning and launched the video at work anyway -- as your boss walked up behind you?

... hit what you thought was the "mute" button to offer a derogatory comment about the person leading a conference call -- but then realized it was the "pound" button and they'd heard what you just said?

... complimented new parents in the aisle on their baby's good looks and asked what his name was -- and it's a little girl?

... farted when you thought you were alone -- but you weren't?

... sipped from someone else's water glass during a business dinner?

... offered a scathing rebuke to a co-worker's statement several forwards down in an email chain and then hit "Reply All" -- with the co-worker included on the distro?

... called your wife or girlfriend "Mom" during a heated argument?

... checked out an entire cart-ful of groceries and then realized you'd forgotten your wallet?

... had the dental hygienist tell you to "open wide" -- and then she paused and requested that you brush your teeth before continuing?

... refereed the fight your kids were having in the backseat by offering withering glances via the rear-view mirror -- and then smacked into the car stopped in front of you?

... told a co-worker during a casual lunchroom conversation that you think organized religion is "idiotic" -- and then found out her spouse is a minister?

... rushed into the bathroom between meetings and noticed on your way to the next one that you've got a pee stain on your pants?

... jokingly asked a co-worker wearing a suit in a workplace where jeans are the norm if he was going to a funeral -- and he was?

... watched helplessly as the empty shopping cart you just launched across the parking lot toward the collection area veered into the side of a car?

... wandered aimlessly through Talbot's while your wife was trying on outfits and found yourself singing along to the store's piped-in version of "Lost In Love" by Air Supply -- in the middle of the lingerie section -- amidst the other shoppers?

Yeah -- me neither...

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