"...it's like Will Rogers, Jean Shepherd and some grumpy Jewish man all rolled into one."

Monday, April 21, 2014

Prattle of the Sexes

She says: "Maybe your brother can give you a hand while he's here."
She means: "You have made a complete mess of this project, you f*©king idiot. Fix it."

He says: "Go ahead, suit yourself."
He means: "I am paying absolutely no attention to what you just said."

She says: "I'd like some more help around the house."
She means: "I met with a divorce attorney today."

He says: "You look great!"
He means: "Get in the car already."

She says: "Is that what you're wearing?"
She means: "How old were you when your mother stopped dressing you - 23?"

He says: "You don't have to come if you don't want to."
He means: "Please please please please don't come with me; it's emasculating."

She says: "That was nice."
She means: "Nice try."

He says: "That was nice."
He means: "I'm going to sleep now."

She says: "I'll just be a minute in this store."
She means: "You might as well take a nap on a bench in the food court."

He says: "We can't afford it."
He means: "Unless I give up my dream of buying a boat."

She says: "Dinner was delicious!"
She means: "Nice try."

He says: "Dinner was delicious!"
He means: "If I keep complimenting you, hopefully I'll never have to cook again."

She says: "It wasn't that expensive."
She means: "Compared to the price of a boat."

He says: "I can't imagine my life without you and the kids."
He means: "I can't take care of myself."

She says: "I can't imagine my life without you and the kids."
She means: "Well, without the kids."

He says: "I love you."
He means: "I hope you won't be too mad when you see our new boat parked in the driveway."

She says: "I love you."
She means: "In spite of your many flaws."

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