"...it's like Will Rogers, Jean Shepherd and some grumpy Jewish man all rolled into one."

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Crass Action Suit

Have you ever been exposed to other people? Or do you know someone who has? If so, you may be entitled to compensation.

If you have experienced any of the following, you are a victim:
  • Sadness
  • Confusion
  • Disappointment
  • Loose stools
  • Any reality programming featuring a Kardashian
  • Skin rash
  • Unexpected flatulence
  • Heartbreak
  • Visits with in-laws
If you, a friend, family member or complete stranger have ever been around people, contact our firm to learn about your rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of entitlement. There are no fees or expenses for our services unless we claim you won.


Life is fraught with risks that you were not informed of. The manufacturer of human beings failed to adequately warn people about the dangers associated with becoming a member of society and exposure to the foibles of others. Studies indicate that every single day you remain alive you are statistically more likely to die in the future.

To reduce the risks associated with living amongst others, doctors recommend you take steps including healthy eating, regular exercise and accepting responsibility for the consequences of your actions. However, the long-term embrace of these routines increases the possibility of extending your lifespan and thereby your odds of consuming kale chips, twisting your ankle, or investing in a multi-level marketing "opportunity."

History has shown that an overwhelming majority of cases result in settling rather than holding out for a verdict of true happiness. But some cases result in a trial, where testimony from parents, siblings, life partners, employers and neighbors presents a picture of an individual so myopic and self-centered that we may choose to terminate representation without prior notice and just leave you to flounder on your own.


Why do I have to put up with everyone else? You don't -- that's what we're here for. Our firm will represent you in all situations: grocery shopping, oil changes, responding to unsolicited emails. You can remain firmly ensconced in your cocoon and binge watch Pretty Little Liars until your eyes pop out of your head.

How did this happen to me? It's not your fault. Well, not entirely your fault. 

Where have all the flowers gone? This one *was* your fault; you planted annuals instead of perennials. You might get a few "volunteers" but after that early spring hail storm don't count on it.

When will I get what I deserve? Soon, my darling -- soon. Just a few more forms to sign.


The settlement process starts with putting you in touch with a so-called "therapist" who may or may not be subject to state or federal regulation. You could be offered interventions including but not limited to: mood inhibitors, chiropractic treatment, daily affirmations, requests for a small loan until payday, cupping or gummy vitamins. You may be encouraged to engage with additional therapists, either in sequence or simultaneously and not covered by insurance, depending upon the particulars of your situation. While therapy may result in improvement, there is no guarantee you will experience positive results. Nothing we suggest is intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any future disappointments with your mother.


Aspects of a life-related lawsuit that influence a settlement range from personal hardships to rumors that others wish you would "just drop dead already." If evidence clearly shows that living negatively affected your quality of life, in addition to offering documentation such as report cards with snide comments from teachers or written warnings from your workplace spelling out behavioral consequences "up to and including termination," you will have a better chance of a higher settlement. Residents of AL, DC, ID, KY, OK, SC, WV or Weehawken, New Jersey may have lesser prospects. 

Call now -- lines are open but hearts and minds will close quickly.

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