"...it's like Will Rogers, Jean Shepherd and some grumpy Jewish man all rolled into one."

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Eyewitness to his story, or the whirled according to Trump

They say history is written by the victors, so apparently the polls are dead wrong and DJ Trump is a cinch to win the election. I say this because he and his spokespeople have been rewriting history throughout his campaign, saying Trump was always against the Iraq war; President Obama's policies were responsible for Captain Humayun Khan's death in 2004; Obama and Hillary are the co-parents of ISIS, and most recently that Obama started the war in Afghanistan in 2001. Plus DJT knows a lot about the secret intentions of Mexicans, Muslims and Syrians that was not previously understood.

These revelations prompted me to do a little digging through the almanac myself. Here's some of what I uncovered; you may be shocked - SHOCKED! -- to learn the real truth behind these so-called historical "facts":

- It was long alleged the reason the Red Sox went 86 years between World Series wins was due to "The Curse of the Bambino." Nope - it was Obama's fault since he's a card-carrying White Sox fan!


- In August 1930, Judge Crater received a phone call at his vacation home in Belgrade, Maine -- setting in motion a series of mysterious movements that led to the jurist's eventual disappearance from the face of the earth. A re-examination of the phone records reveals that call was placed by Hillary Clinton!

- Jack the Ripper was really Barack the Obama!

- Who was that other man standing behind Ted Cruz's father and Lee Harvey Oswald in Dallas in 1963? Tim Kaine!

- Obama's misguided policies of engagement were directly responsible for the War of 1812! And inspired by the sight of an American flag still proudly flying atop Fort McHenry in the early dawn, "The Star-Spangled Banner" was composed on the spot by the noted Baltimore slumlord Francis Scott "Fred" Trump!

- Why did McDonald's stop offering "supersized" french fries in 2004? Because of Michelle Obama's meddlesome nutrition initiative!


- Disastrous trade pacts advanced by Democrats were responsible for sending Nomar Garciaparra to the Chicago Cubs!

- According to the manifest of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370, Hillary Clinton had checked baggage on the plane but conveniently "missed her connection" while lingering over a bubble tea in the airport lounge!

- Marilyn Monroe? Obama!

- Natalie Wood? Obama!

- Amelia Earhart? Obama!

- Bermuda Triangle? Obama!


- Allegations of racism, adultery, tax evasion and xenophobia? Oba... uh, never mind.

What have we learned here? History is literally unraveling unfolding before our very eyes. Which is why I'm trying to keep mine shut tight until the election is over. Fingers in my ears also seem like a good idea.

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