"...it's like Will Rogers, Jean Shepherd and some grumpy Jewish man all rolled into one."

Saturday, January 14, 2017

How I know I had the worst cold ever...

There was nothing "common" about the cold I just got over. Here's how I know:
  • My head snapped forward and back so violently when sneezing, the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration had me give demos for their crash test dummies.
  • I was so stuffed up, a taxidermist commented on how life-like I looked.
  • I went through so many trees' worth of tissues, Julia Butterfly Hill unfriended me on Facebook.
  • I drank so much chicken soup, all across the country matzo balls were left stranded high and dry.
  • My eyes watered so much, I placed a rain barrel next to my side of the bed.
  • I sneezed so hard, I launched a loogie that struck one of the cats in the head and knocked it unconscious.
  • My voice got so low and raspy, Tom Waits asked me to be his vocal coach.
  • I blew my nose so frequently, I jump-started a wind turbine.
  • I sucked on so many cough drops, the Smith Brothers came back from the dead to revel in their second fortune.
  • I gargled with so much salt water, ocean levels dropped a foot.
  • My nose ran so much, I bought it a pair of sneakers.
  • I drank so much tea, I sprained my wrist from dipping the bags in the teacup.
  • I popped so many decongestants, I'm now on the DEA "Watch List."
  • I took so many supplements with Vitamin C, orange juice futures closed at an all-time high.
  • I smeared on so much Vicks VapoRub, I'm planning a swim across the English Channel.
  • My ears were so plugged up, I thought Mariah Carey sounded fine on New Year's Eve.
  • I hugged the hot water bottle so tightly, my wife is naming it a co-respondent in her divorce filing.
But the ultimate factor that tipped the scales to "worst ever" is because it was MY BIRTHDAY in the midst of the period I wrestled with this affliction. Didn't want to drink or party one little bit. Well, now that I'm finally on the other side of the experience I plan to make up for it this weekend.

Stay tuned for my next post: "How I know I had the worst hangover ever..."