Statement from national security advisor H.P. Lovecraft H.R. McMaster, in response to allegations that President Trump shared classified intelligence with the Russians during a meeting in the Oval Office:
- "The story that came out tonight, as reported, is false… At no time -- at no time -- were intelligence sources or methods discussed. And the president did not disclose any military operations that were not already publicly known… I was in the room. It didn't happen."
![](http://humoroutcasts.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/donald-trump-247x300.jpg)
Statement from sports agent Y.A. Tittle H.R. McMaster, in response to allegations that Alex Rodriguez tested positive for banned substances:
- “The story that came out tonight, as reported, is false… At no time -- at no time – were prescription pads found in Alex’s Miami complex, or was Mr. Rodriguez in the company of anyone who knew how to spell ‘testosterone.’ And he did not use a Ziploc baggie filled with urine and strapped to his leg in order to pass a random drug test. I was in the bathroom with him. It didn’t happen.”
![](http://humoroutcasts.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/rodriguez-300x142.png)
Statement from talent agent k.d. lang H.R. McMaster, in response to allegations that singer Mariah Carey was lip-syncing during her botched New Year’s Eve performance in Times Square on live television:
- "The story that came out tonight, as reported, is false… At no time -- at no time – were auto-tuning or faulty sound mixes discussed. And Mariah did not expose any cleavage that had not been previously publicly displayed … I was on the stage as one of her backup dancers. It didn’t happen.”
![](http://humoroutcasts.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/mariah-300x224.jpg)
Statement from aide-de-camp J.D. Salinger H.R. McMaster, in response to allegations that President Bill Clinton had sexual relations with a White House intern:
- “The story that came out tonight, as reported, is false… At no time -- at no time – were Altoids or cigars discussed. And the president did not disclose any characteristics regarding the shape of his penis that were not already publicly known... I was in the hallway with the two of them. It didn’t happen."
![](http://humoroutcasts.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/altoid-300x165.png)
Statement from literary agent J.K. Rowling H.R. McMaster, in response to allegations that several plays attributed to William Shakespeare were actually written by either Sir Francis Bacon or Christopher Marlowe:
- “The story that cameth out tonight, as reported, lacked veracity… At no time -- at no time – were there any discussions regarding ghostwriting or future considerations regarding sharing a screenplay credit. And Mr. Shakespeare did not disclose any dramatic developments regarding seduction, murder, poisoning, illegitimacy, disguise, revenge, suicide, mistaken identity or shipwrecks that were not already publicly known… I was standing behind the arras, eavesdropping. Verily, it did not befall."
![](http://humoroutcasts.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/shakespeare-234x300.jpg)
Statement from archaeologist A. A. Milne H.R. McMaster, in response to allegations that the skull of the so-called “Piltdown Man,” originally offered as evidence of the “missing link” in the theory of evolution, was actually that of an orangutan:
- “The story that came out tonight, as reported, is false… At no time -- at no time – were methods for staining bones or filing down teeth discussed. And the finders did not disclose the results of any fluorine tests that were not already publicly known… I was buried in the gravel beds next to the skeleton for hundreds of thousands of years. It didn’t happen."
![](http://humoroutcasts.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/skull-1-150x150.png)
Statement from veterinarian T.J. Hooker H.R. McMaster, in response to allegations that the horse known as “Clever Hans” could not actually perform arithmetic:
- “The story that came out tonight, as reported, is false… At no time -- at no time – were intelligence sources or methods discussed. And the horse did not disclose any mathematical operations that were not already publicly known… I once worked for a real horse’s ass who couldn’t accurately count the size of his own inauguration crowd. That actually happened."
![](http://humoroutcasts.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/crowd-600x194.png)
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